Elmo is a bad influence on our children

Some of this may be familiar if you've read my Elmo rants on Facebook, but some is new...

First, let me say that I'm not anti-Elmo. My kid loves him, so I won't begrudge her his sketch on Sesame Street, especially since it's a third of the time slot of the program! Unfortunately, I'm going to have to "unteach" some of Elmo's lessons.

1) We do not, under any circumstance, dance naked in a window. No. Okay, granted Elmo is almost always naked, but we still don't do it.

2) You don't ask someone a question just to answer it for them. Let Mr. Noodle screw up without your help (and the peanut gallery's). Seriously, how will he ever learn?

3) Never answer the door without first asking who it is or checking through the peephole. I mean, seriously, how do you know there's not a Muppet-molester on the other side of that door, Elmo? You are way too trusting.

4) When you paint pictures of your parents to hang on display for the whole world to see, don't give your parents three legs. It gives the impression that your parents are aliens or that you can't count ... or a combination of the two. Get with the program Elmo ... you have two legs, so do your parents.

5) Speaking of Elmo's parents, where the hell are they? Probably in jail for Muppet-child neglect. I mean, they are always leaving him home with his only friends a goldfish and a mentally retarded Mr. Noodle (or Mr. Noodle's brother Mr. Noodle). No wonder Elmo's irritating as all get out, it's a cry for help since he gets no attention at home.

6) This gripe is courtesy of my friend Anna, but oh so true ... why is it when Elmo wants to learn something, he tunes to the TV? Television doesn't have all the answers. Why not pick up a book every once in awhile Elmo? Or at the very least, use your computer to go to Wikipedia instead of just using it to get video e-mail from your friends.

7) And what is up with the fat woman with breasts that hang to her knees on every channel? Perhaps someone should lead her to the bra channel before she teaches Elmo and our children about something else.

8) Why does Elmo always ask shade to go up? Come on, we can't teach our kids to wait on inanimate objects to do something for us, otherwise they will stand there waiting forever. Just use your hand and lift the shade, Elmo. That's why you have thumbs, dude. (Does Elmo have thumbs? Well, he's got fingers, so he can do it.)

9) Why does Elmo always have to ask a baby after he's already asked a bunch of kids? What's the point? It's like taking a step backwards, it's not giving you any new information. That's like asking your mom why the sky is blue and then turning around and asking the dog - way to hurt feelings man. Like the original answer wasn't good enough, you have to ask someone who doesn't talk.

10) When you ask questions about the item of the day, why must you always ask if you can have one on a birthday cake or phone? Do you not know of anything else? Why not get creative?

11) That is no way to treat your fish, dude. First of all, a goldfish should never be kept in a bowl, especially one that's only filled halfway. Way to torture your poor goldfish, Elmo. And you really shouldn't put more than one in a bowl that size, but once you had Dorothy and some of her family in there. Not cool man, use a fish tank for family reunions. When your fish is laying on the gravel at the bottom of the bowl, don't use it as an excuse to talk about sleep ... get that fish into a clean fish tank PRONTO, because it's starting to get sick and the next thing you know it will be floating upside down on the top of the water. (Here's a hint Elmo, the topic of the day when that happens will be death.)

12) Not every song in the world is to the tune of "Jingle Bells." And you can't force rhythm.

13) Elmo can only write "ELMO" in the beginning of the sketch. The "'s World" appears out of crayons. Ummm, shouldn't Elmo at least be able to write "Elmo's"? I still think it would be better if he wrote the whole thing, otherwise our kids will think the only thing they ever have to write is their name. In all caps, at that.

Sigh. The joys of being a parent and undoing Muppet teachings. Someone needs to teach that furry red irritant a lesson ... and I know just the guy to do it!