I’ll try my best, but I have no clear opinion on this. If that’s what you want to do, then rock on with your bad self. But there are some very clear disadvantages. So I’ll address those.
Pesky Jehovah’s Witnesses
What on earth do you do when those pesky Jehovah’s Witnesses show up at your door and won’t stop ringing your doorbell. They see your car in the driveway, they know you’re home. If you don’t answer the door, they will just think you’re avoiding them. And sure, you send the hubby to go tell them to shove it, but do you really want complete strangers trying to offer you their version of salvation to hear you screaming bloody murder in the background? It’s just easier to head to the hospital and have no one home.
Someone call Stanley Steemer
Yeah, maybe it’s because we put new carpet in the living room two months before Jocelyn was born, but really, do you want to get all that stuff all over your carpet? Bed? Anything else you might own? God, what a way to ruin the 1000-thread-count sheets I have and love so dearly.
Being at the hospital is sort of like the joy of a hotel room – you don’t have to clean up after yourself.
You have no good drugs
I wanted to have a natural childbirth, I really did. But after spending two hours in the fetal position dealing with back labor, I had a complete 180. God bless my anesthesiologist. I would have his babies. (Mainly because I know he’d be able to take away the pain, but whatever.) Yeah, the paperwork you sign for an epidural is scary as hell (you have to sign off saying that you are aware you may incur paralysis – yeah, that’s scary), but it was oh so worth it. The 10 percent of the charge I had to pay was the best money I’ve ever spent.
There is no nursery
I’m in a clear minority, but for the two nights I spent in the hospital, Jocelyn slept in the nursery. I could have had her room with me, but I asked for her to go to the nursery. I needed to sleep. My mom told me when she had me and they asked her, she said, “I’ve got the next 18 years with her, you can have her for a couple nights.” At first I thought that was so insensitive (I love you, Mom!) but when I was given the same option, I realized Mom had a good idea.
Yeah, no matter how many times you say it, it never gets any easier to admit Mom was right.
Complications
Complications are rare, I’m aware of that. Midwives are well-trained to anticipate complications and they are able to get help quickly to eliminate worsening the situation. However, being that I traditionally expect the worst (in an effort to make whatever happens not be so bad), I want to be in a place that can handle complications without major upheaval.
Side note: I had Jocelyn at Georgetown Community Hospital – had there been a complication, it would have been just like if I had her at home, because Georgetown wouldn’t have been able to handle it.
No memoirs
What baby book is complete without the cool bracelets and anklets you all got to wear (mine with my first name spelled wrong every single time)? You have your kid at home, you don't have those cool momentos.
Mental images later in life
When I had to get some medical tests done for insurance for work, I had an in-home nurse meet me at my townhouse to do them. I asked her if she needed directions and she laughed at me and said no, because she was the first tenant in my townhouse the year before. Irony. Anyway, while she was there, she told me that she lived there because her sister was ill, and they needed a place with a bedroom on the first floor (my room). She then proceeded to tell me her sister died. When she saw the look on my face, she goes, “She didn’t die in the house.” Whew.
That didn’t stop the mental images.
We’re all familiar with the mental images that come with childbirth. So, when you have family coming in from out-of-town to see your house and the baby for the first time, do you really want to say, “And this is the room where little Jimmy was born.” You know your company’s first thoughts are going to go to you laying there, doing Lamaze breathing through contractions, legs splayed, screaming. I’m just saying.
Wow, that took a turn I didn’t really want it to. Sorry about that.
Home birth makes me think of drawer babies
You ever heard the joke about emptying out drawers so the baby had a place to sleep? For some reason, I have this mental image of doing that if a baby’s born at home. It just seems so … anti-our-pro-healthcare-oriented-society, and ergo, sleeping arrangements should be anti-baby-specific-and-safe furniture.
Water birth
Yeah, um, no. Not into that. It seems weird. I understand it’s supposed to ease the transition from womb to real life. Though, in my head, it just delays it. Leave the womb, go into warm water, and then you get that initial shock out of the water. It’s just a matter of when you choose to introduce that cruel moment to your child – immediately or 30 seconds later.
But really, in Georgetown, we have insanely hard water. You think I’m kidding. The bathtub is permanently stained. It won’t come off, no matter how much bleach and KaBoom I use. I sure don’t want my unborn child to have to endure that crappy water before it has to.
Plus, yeah, being in the water – that’s just nasty. I mean, placenta soup. Count me out.
Now, all that being said, there are some pros to a home birth too.
No evil nurses
I had an evil nurse. Her name was Joy. She was not a joy. She was not pleasant. In fact, I wanted to hit her. My doctor actually got pissed and told her to get out of the way. You know that’s not a good sign. But you have no choice what L&D nurse is on duty the day/night you go in. At least at home, you are controlling who you let into this environment.
Ambient noise
You want music. Play it. Me, I had Food Network. I was cool with that. During actual labor, I was answering questions (most of them correctly, I might add) on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? It’s whatever you need to distract you. But if you want to rock out to some crappy 80s music, by all mean, you have the ability to do so. (Come to think of it, rocking some Poison would have been awesome during labor.)
No listening to others in misery
You really can hear other women in labor, and it can be distracting – or scary as hell. You are free from that. But then again, the flip side of that one is that you have no one to compare your reaction to – if you manage without a lot of screaming, you can’t really feel accomplished over the other person. (Yes, even in childbirth, I’m competitive. I am who I am, love me or hate me.)
No worries about forgetting something
Yeah, you’ll make a checklist. You’ll pack your bag and go through it 8,000 times before you go to the hospital, but you’ll still fear you forgot something – or you might actually do it. If you have the baby at home, no worries, everything you need will be there.
No fears of child abduction
There are those super-cool anklets on a newborn’s ankle now that automatically put the hospital in lockdown if they pass a certain point. But you still don’t want to think about the possibility of anyone running off with your kid. Or accidentally taking the wrong one home. Hey, it’s happened. It’s pretty pathetic that it has, too, but it has happened. At least you don’t have to stress that one.
Throwback to days gone by
Seriously, if you want to throwback to days of yore and have your kid at home, like they always did before, then rock on. If you’re totally into nostalgia for the sake of nostalgia, have at it.
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