Friday, December 3, 2010

By Request: Shaving your snatch has been shown to cause accidents, more at 11.

This story is actually kind of old, but it was brought to my attention today and I just couldn't pass it up. I mean, come on, look at that headline - I didn't even have to read the story to know I had to do it. I have to admit, I gave it a little bit more tame treatment than I would have expected. I expect you, my sick and twisted readers, to add to the comments to remedy that. 

 
A 37-year-old woman in Florida has been charged with reckless driving after causing an accident because she was distracted as she shaved her pubic hair.
I know, you’re first question is, “did I just read what I think I just read?” Yes, yes you did.

Next question, “did you make that up, Trysh?” Nope. Sure did not. I can’t make this stuff up. Not in my wildest dreams could I have come up with that one. But boy do I wish I was the reporter for this one. Well, or maybe not, cause I would get fired for how many euphemisms I tried to fit in my story.

She was also charged with with driving with a revoked license, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance according to keynews.com.
Well, really, what good is it if you don’t rack up a bunch? Go big or go home. And go clean-shaven or go home.

The Florida Highway Patrol says a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.
First of all, I don’t get why the driver’s age is really important here. The fact she was shaving her muff is what is freakin’ hilarious. It would be hilarious regardless of her age. Of course, I must admit, if she was 87 it might be funnier, but, I digress.

Elitist reporter note: Why in the hell is Mile Marker capitalized? Here’s a hint, a proper noun is the name of a person, place or thing – and unless Mile Marker 21 is the name of a seedy bar or bikini wax and tanning salon, it does not deserve said treatment. Someone needs to head back to first grade for a lesson on proper versus common nouns.

Megan Mariah Barnes, 37, was travelling southbound in her Thunderbird at 11 a.m. on Tuesday, March 1 when she slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup driven by David Schoff of Palm Bay. Schoff had slowed to about 5 mph in preparation for making a left-hand turn when the Thunderbird rear-ended him while travelling about 45 mph according to Florida State Troopers. 

Trooper Gary Dunick described the incident as the most bizarre in his career:

She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit. If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot ... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it.

Okay, and it’s funny cause she was shaving her snatch and the cop’s last name, at quick glance, looks like “dick.” Hahahahaha. (Yes, I am mature, thank you very much.)

As far as the cop’s comment – the exact same spot. Did you have chalk outlines to identify it? Was it three or four? I think there’s a big difference. And seriously, maybe he was diabetic and desperately needed insulin, I mean, honestly.

But the real issue at hand is this: not only was she cutting the hair on her cooch – she was cutting it while driving, in the car with her ex-husband, on her way to see her boyfriend. The cop’s an idiot, but a freakin’ Einstein compared to both of these people. I mean – who shaves their nether-regions while driving, and who willingly holds the wheel while the driver does that (without muttering, “hey, um, this is a bad idea”) and ISN’T the intended audience for said nether-region grooming?

Elitist reporter note #1: Redundancy alert! We just gave her age again. What is it with this reporter? This is the location it belongs, if the age is even relevant, which I contend it’s not. But since you erroneously included it in the paragraph previous, it doesn’t belong here.

Elitist reporter note #2:  There was no need to do a block quote. That just proves the reporter had a specific length requirement and was stretching to reach it. After all, it could have easily been summarized as "Trooper Gary Dunick said this was the most bizarre thing he encountered in his career," and leave it at that. (I am, however, grateful for the additional detail provided in the quote about her going to visit her boyfriend with her ex-husband in the car. It makes it so much better.)

Elitist reporter note #3: Why is there not equal treatment here? The guy's truck gets a year and a make - but no model. Clean-shaven idiot girl gets her model listed, but no year or make. Methinks someone doesn't know enough about cars to identify them. I mean, do it properly and give both equal treatment or else it just makes you look a) lazy, b) stupid or c) all of the above.


After the accident, Barnes reportedly continued to drive for approximately half of a mile before stopping. Initially, her ex-husband Charles Judy claimed to be driving and insisted Barnes was in the passenger seat. The ruse was quickly discovered by investigators.
Of course the ruse was quickly discovered by investigators. All they had to do was look for the hair clippings. Doh. Foiled again by common sense – didn’t even have to call Bones and Booth in for this one.

Additional charges were added because only the day before Barnes had been convicted of impaired driving, her license had been suspended and she had been ordered to keep her Thunderbird off the road. Riptide, the Miami New Times blog, has labelled Barnes, 'Pubic Enemy Number One.'
I want to know what other impaired driving she got charged with … masturbating while driving?

Ordered to keep her Thunderbird off the road. Okay, so, she can drive another car? Be careful, she might steal a car and shave her cooch in it. Here’s a warning to anyone in Florida – if your car is stolen and you get it back, check for pubic hairs before sitting down. I’m just saying.

Elitist reporter note: Labelled is misspelled and that's a direct copy/paste from the story. Sigh. Any idiot can write a news story these days, but it takes a second idiot to let it get past the copy desk. 

“Pubic Enemy Number One” not bad, I must say. Wish I thought of that one.

You know what sucks? I wouldn’t be surprised if this moron ends up getting an endorsement deal with Bic for this stunt. And watch Ford add a lighted mirror under the steering wheel – for ease of genital grooming. For when you just aren’t feeling pretty down there. After all, there’s a Renault that’s hitting the market with spa-like aromatherapy – I wouldn’t put it past them.

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