Review: The Tourist

See that tagline on the poster? "The perfect trip, the perfect trap." LIARS!!!!!!! There is NOTHING perfect about this movie.

Look, I love me some long-haired, disheveled Johnny Depp as much as my best friend ... and I love me some Paul Bettany, and to have them in the same movie - that should be sheer happiness (like, Paul Bettany and Heath Ledger in the same movie-type happiness), but it's not. Sadly, not even the deliciousness of Johnny Depp and Paul Bettany can save this giant crap waste of my life.

Angelina Jolie, she was pretty - as always. I mean, she's a gorgeous individual, you can't deny it. (Strange, though, she may be.) But again, I divert to my original argument, that hotness cannot make up for the lack of plot, how boring it is, and how crappy the twist ends up being. Whatever.

Do yourself a favor, watch it with the sound muted. I bet the plot's way better that way.

Review: The Tooth Fairy

Yeah, I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was “The Santa Clause.”

You know what, I even liked it the second time I saw it, when it was “The Game Plan.”

The third time is not the charm.

Actually, this movie is like the weird love child of “The Santa Clause” and “The Game Plan.” Only this time The Rock is a hockey player instead of a football player, and he learns his lesson because of being sentenced to being a tooth fairy instead of a dad.

Now, there were two redeeming qualities in this movie. One being Julie Andrews. I don’t think I could possibly detest a movie with Julie Andrews in it. Granted her character was essentially the queen from “The Princess Diaries” movies, I loved those movies, so rock on with your royal-ass self, Julie.  Two was Billy Crystal’s character making “The Princess Bride” references. Always a win in my book.

Ashley Judd is a fail no matter how you cut it. She can’t act her way out of a paper bag, so I guess that’s why the character they gave her was so flat and lifeless. “Here, Ashley, we know you need work, so this shouldn’t strain you too much.”

Dwayne Johnson was Dwayne Johnson. I mean, how much range can a former wrestler actually have? Though, I have to admit, seeing him a tutu was pretty much worth it. I want to see him walk out in the wrestling ring in that, though. But, now that he’s sold his soul to Disney, not only is his wrestling career over, but his acting career is basically crap movies now.

“Hey, we need a big guy to play the sports-star-turned-puddle-of-goo, any ideas?”

“Dwayne Johnson, duh.”

The whiny-ass Brit who plays his case worker irritated me. So much so I won’t even go look up who he was. He sounded a bit like the guy on Bones, but it couldn’t have been him, could it? No. I refuse to admit anyone associated with a show that cool was affiliated with a movie this bad. (Side note: Julie Andrews has a lifetime pass – she can play anything she damn well pleases.)

Were there a couple of redeeming qualities here and there throughout this movie? Yes. But were there enough for me to actually recommend wasting 90 minutes of your life and a Netflix queue slot? Not a chance.

P.S. Before you ask why the hell I even put this in my Netflix queue … Scott used to watch wrestling, and does still from time to time, so he’s a fan of “The Rock.” So, whenever there’s a Rock movie out, he usually sees it, if nothing else, to make fun of it. Which, we got plenty of that out during this movie.

Movie review - The Social Network

Let me precede this with a fact: I do not walk out of movies. I don’t do it. I’ve wanted to, boy have I wanted to, but I’ve always managed to find it in my heart to let directors and/or actors redeem themselves to me before the ending credits roll. (That’s not to say that I haven’t turned off DVDs because I have, but even that’s a rarity.)

That being said, I could not make it through this movie. I walked out halfway through, and did not look back.

The gist is that Mark Zuckerberg is this crazy, insane computer programmer and socially awkward outcast who creates The Facebook. The story is told through flashbacks while he’s in the midst of two different lawsuits. It’s quite confusing to keep straight, and I think at the point I just gave up trying was when I walked out. My head hurt.

From what I’ve heard elsewhere, the story is insanely sensationalized in this movie. Makes me want to read the real story of Mark Zuckerberg, although, it’s probably insanely boring. Hey, wait, so was this movie. But I do suffer from insomnia, so perhaps Zuckerberg’s story will be just the thing to actually cure my insomnia. Hey, it could happen.

As an aside, the twins are played by the same actor. Really? They couldn’t cast a set of twins? They had to make the same guy play them? That’s almost (but not quite) as freaky as Deep Roy playing all the Oompa Loompas in the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I guess they wanted to do the anti-Olsen twins bit. Or were they trying to prove that Eddie Murphy and Mike Meyers aren't the only ones who can play multiple roles in a single movie. I have no idea. But really, I think they could have expanded the casting call to find a real set of twins.

Then again, what do I know? I didn’t even make it through the whole movie.

Two reviews for the price of one! "Juno" and "27 Dresses"

I'm a little behind, but better late than never. I have a handful of DVDs I've owned forever, but never got around to watching for whatever reason. Being that I stayed home from work today (due to what I found out later was an ear infection and possible vocal cord infection), I got caught up on a couple of them.

--

Juno

I had one friend tell me this movie insulted your intelligence - and I had others still rave about it. They were both a little right.

It's an okay movie as far as humor and falling in love with the social outcast of a main character (and Ellen Page is so freakin' cute). On the flip side, it's a movie that really goes in circles so much it hurt my already throbbing head.

The trailer gave you the basic plot. High school junior gets pregnant by her best friend, Bleeker (played by an adorably geeky Michael Cera), and instead of keep the baby or have an abortion, she opts to give it up for adoption.

In true Hollywood fashion, there's a little drama, but by the end, there's a happy ending for all involved. Awwww.

Despite the fact it went from simple to complicated to really complicated back to simple - which more than pissed me off - I love the fact geek love is featured. God knows I've fallen for my fair share of ones in life who were geeky social outcasts, but I didn't care. I love the fact Hollywood (albeit Fox Searchlight) finally acknowledged a high school romance, and subsequent pregnancy, doesn't have to be between the quarterback and head cheerleader. (Yes, Sugar and Spice, and to a lesser degree, Glee, I'm looking at you.)

And yes, I'm now ashamed that I made any sort of reference to the fact I have, in fact, seen Sugar and Spice.

--

Yep, the movie poster is in French here -
but it's me, so you know I love it
and it features hottie cynical journalist. WIN!

27 Dresses

Story - predictable, cheesy, fluff.

Love interest - Hot, cynical, journalist. 

Oh yeah, count me in. Who needs a plot when you've got James Marsden playing a cynical journalist? Not me boy. 

 

Movie review: Couples Retreat

It's human nature to revel in other people's fucked-uped-ness, and I think that's essentially the goal of this movie - but there's really nothing to revel in. Period.

I have to say, I've been sorely disappointed in Vince Vaughn movies as a general rule (with the obvious exception of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story - but if you hated that movie, you don't deserve to breathe). I didn't like Wedding Crashers, I didn't like The Break-Up, so I really am not surprised that I didn't like this one. I wanted to. I hoped it would be funny.

After all, when Cynthia (Kristen Bell) and Jason (Jason Bateman - oh the irony) consider divorce because they can't conceive, and then drag their friends along to this retreat to save money, you really should just give up on it. But no, I gave it a chance. I want my two hours back. And a better movie from Netflix next time!

So, all the friends go to Eden West, the ultimate couples retreat. As they get off the boat, one of them says, "This place looks like a screensaver." Perhaps that should have given it away - all pretty, but lacks depth, realism and substance. Again, I should have known to give up at that point, but nope, gave it a chance.

Here's the problem - only Jason and Cynthia are interested in couples counseling. Everyone else has either given up on their marriage or thought their marriage was fine. Unfortunately, they all have to go through couples counseling. Oh no. Enter the angst-ridden portion of the plot.

There were a couple of decent one-liners. Unfortunately, they weren't good enough for me to remember today, less than 24 hours after watching the movie. Guess they weren't that good after all.

The crazy gay Asian guy from The Hangover was in this one, but he wasn't near as entertaining as he was in The Hangover. But why should that surprise anyone, this movie wasn't anywhere near as good as that one - and that one was far from cinematic gold.

If anything, this one might just have to be considered cinematic rust. Full of holes, and the more thought and time you put into it, the bigger those holes get.

Here's a hint to Vince Vaughn - give it up now. Don't write anymore movies. Just don't. Go home to your Canadian real-estate agent wife, enjoy the time with your new baby, and forget about Hollywood. Trust me, I'll thank you for it, if no one else does.

Movie review: The Hangover

*Disclaimer: Although most movie reviews are written immediately after watching, I felt this one would be better-suited to be written the morning after.*

If there ever was a movie without a point, it would be this one. If it were possible for a bromance, Rain Man and Vegas Vacation to have baby, this would be it.

That's not to say I didn't enjoy it. Quite the contrary, the one-liners were awesome. Quite frankly, there's not much funnier than a flamboyantly gay Asian guy. (You are shaking your head. Watch the movie, you'll see what I mean.)

What's the point of this movie? I mentioned before, there isn't one. The loose plot revolves around Doug who is going out with his best friends for a bachelor party in Vegas. One last night of bromance and debauchery - you know it can't really be setting itself up to be Oscar-material.

They have a great night. One they vow they will never forget but one that never happened. Unfortunately, they don't remember a thing. The following morning they wake up in a trashed $4,200-a-night hotel room, with a tiger, a chicken, and one less friend. The rest of the movie revolves around them trying to find the missing friend. (Don't worry, you find out why the tiger is there eventually.)

In the end, it was much more over-wrought than it should have been. You do, however, get sucked in, wanting to know what happened in the last 12 hours.

It may not be the best movie in the world - and this may not be the best review in my arsenal (c'est la vie) - but I do know the next time someone asks me for directions, I'm totally going to tell them whatever they are looking for is "at the corner of Get A Map and Fuck Off." If there's one thing I've learned, it's not all bad if you walk away quoting it.

Movie Review: The Other Guys

Yes, that's a giant picture of Mark Wahlberg up above. Yes, that's happiness. Yes, that's the reason to see this movie.

Actually, you notice that shirt? It's a Bayside Tigers shirt. Not actual SBTB paraphernalia (colors are wrong for that), but you know, cool nonetheless if you're a geek like me.

Mark Wahlberg and his wardrobe aside, was the movie any good? I have to be honest with you, I don't remember much beyond there was Marky Mark in a Bayside shirt and there was Marky Mark in a tux at one point ... oh, and Michael Keaton, a police chief who works a side job at Bed, Bath and Beyond and quotes TLC.

Actually, okay, there was a plot. There were these two cops (Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson) who were the pompous-ass-cops of the NYPD. Unfortunately their heads were too big and they met an untimely end. Some cops had to step up and take their place.

Who was it? Alex Gamble (Will Ferrell) and Terry Hoitz (the aforementioned super-hot Mark Wahlberg). Gamble is a guy who despises confrontation and anything besides number-crunching - on the surface. Hoitz is a good cop, but he was tethered to the idiotic Gamble because he shot Derek Jeter. (Hell, I'd shoot Derek Jeter, so you know, I don't know why he was punished that much.)

Anyway, Gamble stumbled across some missing scaffolding permits and wants to arrest this guy. Good news - he's right to arrest him. Bad news - he needs to be arrested for a while lot more than missing scaffolding permits. The problem? Everything. The guy who needs to be arrested is in deep with the Nigerians, the Chechnyans (for an apparent attempt at a Chechnyan-version of Dora the Explorer that didn't work out well), as well as a billion-dollar company.

But it's Hollywood, so you know there's a happy ending. (Or a few. You know everyone's problem was resolved. Well, except for Michael Keaton's bisexual kid, but you know, you can't win them all.)

I really can't stand Will Ferrell. If it's not Talladega Nights, I'm not interested. He really stuck to his normal mojo - yelling a little too much, and playing the idiot well. I actually saw his character much like the one in Stranger than Fiction. But the fact of the matter is, I didn't go to this movie to see Will Ferrell. He was just sort of like the annoying yelling guy in the background while I drooled over Mark Wahlberg.

Sorry, had to pause for a Marky Mark break. There were some great one-liners though ...

• "Did someone call 9-1-oh holy shit?" (Samuel L. Jackson - who else?)
• "We are like literally driving around in a vagina." (Said about the red Prius that would in no way survive what it was put through, but it's Hollywood.)
• Bad guy on the excessiveness in America: "I own 18 Lamborghinis and a Subaru Outback station wagon."
• Said as bad guy was being arrested: "I hope you like prison food ... and penis."

There were some more, but I don't want it to be like one of those trailers where all the funny parts of the movie are revealed before you see it. That's no fun.

Bottom line - tolerable. Especially if you like watching Mark Wahlberg (and I do) along with a Toyota Prius falling apart (always fun).

Movie review: Kick Ass

Didn't watch it. Didn't care. I was on my computer and half paying-attention. Don't think that's the reason why I didn't get into it - because I fell in love with House, Psych and even Burn Notice doing the exact same thing. (And now I never miss a House or a Psych episode, and I usually end up paying more attention to Burn Notice than to my computer.) That being said, nothing grabbed me about this movie and I decided stalking people on Facebook and subsequently going to bed was more intriguing than this movie.

My return to publically bashing movies (well, sort of)

If you don’t know I spent four years as a movie critic, then you don’t know me very well. You may not know that I do insanely miss it, even though I did it for free because I liked my editor and the opportunity to get away with putting things in print that probably never should have been seen by another human being. Always a plus.

My days of going to the movies on a regular basis are over. My two-year-old is the reason for that (moment of levity: I wouldn’t trade her for my ability to go to the movies on a regular basis … whoa, now that I’ve got that out of my system, allow me to continue.)

We have just recently found the joys of Netflix. I used to be a Columbia-House-have-to-own-them-rather-than-rent-them kind of person. Why the change? Again, reference the two-year-old. We converted the front room of our house into a playroom for her, and our nearly 400 DVDs ended up in boxes in whatever closet or corner we could find. Ergo, getting to a movie was hard, and even harder was finding a place to put any new movies that joined the large family. (My DVD collection is like the Duggars – we weren’t going to stop until God himself threw in a roadblock. Unfortunately, my roadblock came, the Duggars are still revving along, wanting yet ANOTHER ONE!)

Because I miss the movie reviewing, I might as well just use this for that, as well as my crazy rants and sorry excuses for writing (woohoo, nothing like using those college degrees for something useful in life). So, in the future, I will post reviews of the latest movies I’ve seen. However, since we’ve seen a handful in the last couple weeks, allow me to give you a brief run-down of each (by that I mean a couple sentences that by no means give the quality, or lack there-of, of said movie justice).

Inglourious Basterds

Typical Tarantino, and by that I mean it wasn’t good but it wasn’t make-me-want-to-turn-off-the-DVD bad. It was, however, one of my favorite Brad Pitt roles.

The Informant

Think Catch Me If You Can only not cool. (If you know how much I despise Tom Hanks, that’s saying something.)

Valentine’s Day

Think Love, Actually only not cool.

The Lovely Bones

It’s a good thing I love Mark Wahlberg, because if this had been the only movie of his I’d ever seen, I don’t think I’d ever see another one. Stanley Tucci was great though.

What’s coming next?

Currently at home: Kick Ass

Next in queue: Couple’s Retreat, The Hangover, and Terminator: Salvation (not necessarily in that order – and if you think I will be watching Terminator: Salvation get the hell off this blog now because I don’t need to be associating with you)

Next in the theater: We’re going to try to see The Other Guys, but you never know how it will work out. The best laid plans…

The name's Khan. Shahrukh Khan.

by Sarika Arya

Indians speak over 400 different dialects and devote themselves to as many different religions and spiritual followings. The country finds common ground in its worship of cricket players and movie stars who are demigods among the population of more than 1 billion. Among even these select few, some, like Shahrukh Khan, stand out as Herculean when compared to the rest.

Khan is an actor (he has been in more than 70 films), film producer, television host, and a Bollywood king; which is really film star royalty since Bollywood is the largest film industry in the world. Bollywood produces 850 films annually (about 2 films a day), while Hollywood churns out about 450 films annually. Khan is slowly gaining prominence among Western audience who were hitherto still clueless about Bollywood. In 2008 Newsweek named Khan one of the 50 most powerful people in the world.

So, Khan is an internationally recognized name: but, as the megastar realized, not always for the right reasons.

On Friday, at Newark Liberty International airport, Khan was detained for inspections. Immediately, tales of racial profiling hit Indian newsstands, enraging Khan’s extensive fan base. Apparently inspired by the incident, 'The Times of India’ published this affronted, defensive, (and oddly patriotic) segment:

My name is Khan? Too bad. SRK feels the heat of American paranoia.
Chidanand Rajghatta and Bharati Dubey, 15 August 2009

WASHINGTON/MUMBAI: “My name is Khan.” “Oh it is, is it? Step aside, please.”

The way it was related, that might well have been the opening exchange between Shahrukh Khan and an unnamed, uninformed, super-empowered US immigration official who had no idea (and didn’t care) that the man in front of him is the star of a film by the same name (My name is Khan), much less that he is a universal Bollywood icon.

SRK, as the actor star is known by his popular acronym, was asked to indeed step aside for a “secondary inspections” at Newark’s ironically named (in this context) Liberty International airport on Friday en route to an event to celebrate India’s Independence Day in Chicago, President Barack Obama’s hometown. But that was only after a “primary inspection.”

(Click the link above to read the entire piece on 'The Times of India' website.)

Apparently, Khan, who has travelled to the US before and was never singled out then, believes that he was questioned because of his Muslim name and heritage. “I told them I was a movie star,” he was quoted as saying. But Khan’s stardom did not shield him from detention and a barrage of irrelevant questions, excused away by security reasons.

It has become disturbingly easy to generalize notions of human rights, simplifying the particular down to vague umbrella terms like “security,” “peace,” and “freedom.” In doing so, specific human rights law has been forgotten as governments tries to forward greater, unspecific, ‘humanitarian’ missions. The means justifies the ends. America tortures for security, bombs for peace, and detains for freedom. Paraphrasing Harold Koh, Dean of Yale Law School, in recent times America, instead of being a country of “zero tolerance” has become a country of “zero accountability.”

According to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), the US bureau of Customs and Border Protection’s (CBP’s) “suspicionless search policy” violates the constitutional rights and privacy rights, as well as the right to freedom of speech, inquiry, and association, of international travellers. CBP is even permitted to search laptops and other electronic devices of passengers, retaining their personal information indefinitely, regardless of whether they are suspected of wrongdoing in the first place. Human rights groups claim that CBP’s policies allow them to severely discriminate against travelers who are, or even appear to be, Muslim, Arab, or South Asian – those most associated with extremism and terrorism in light of the 9/11 attacks. Towards it end, the Bush administration issued a report to the United Nations (UN) Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination stating it was making efforts to end racial profiling, but included an absolute reservation against previous U.N. recommendations concerning “national security” or “border integrity.” Bush- era policies have become status quo in airport security, although the Obama administration has pledged to reverse this effect.

Racial profiling in airports can actually undermine security initiatives. According to Reginal Shuford, a senior staff attorney with ACLU’s Racial Justice Program, “It is a dangerous and slippery slope when we allow our government to take away a person’s rights because of his speech or ethnic background. Racial profiling is illegal and ineffective and has no place in a democratic society.” This does not mean security should be absent in American airports; far from it. "American paranoia" is very much so justified, to a certain extent. Recent events prove that it is necessary, more than ever, to maintain high vigilance – especially in ports of entry. But nations must be careful that in protecting human rights and civil liberties, they do not actually provoke and instigate the desire to revolt against such measures. For instance, detaining international Muslims is not a good way to promote peace and gain respect for democracy in an already alienated part of the world. Continental Airways employees are still suffering the backlash of frisking A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, a Muslim, Indian V.V.I.P (very very important person), and, not to mention, the former president of India, before he boarded a flight to New York back in April 2009. A standard security procedure should be required for all travelers (whether they be tourist, businessman, movie star or president) but further detention should only be implemented when suspicion is warranted by very specific behavior – one’s ethnic makeup does not qualify as a security breach that justifies a round of humiliating questions, full body pat- down, and retainment of one's private documents, in an isolated back room. In the case that security officials grossly misjudge someone, apologies, for the goodwill of all, must be made. Being treated in an otherwise degrading manner would only encourage hateful sentiments, fuelling desire to actually commit an act of terrorism. Big ideas about human rights can be reinforced and actually achieved by ensuring the detailed intricacies of human rights, those rights enshrined in national and international law, are respected.

US officials disputed the claim that Khan was detained. CBP stated that the agency routinely questioned foreigners and that Khan was questioned for exactly 66 minutes – not, as is being reported, 2 hours. Following intervention by American and Indian officials, Khan was ultimately released and is now focusing on completing his next film, which has since become a kind of art-imitates-life-piece, “My Name is Khan,” in which Shahrukh stars as a man subjected to racial profiling in America.