Review: The Tourist

See that tagline on the poster? "The perfect trip, the perfect trap." LIARS!!!!!!! There is NOTHING perfect about this movie.

Look, I love me some long-haired, disheveled Johnny Depp as much as my best friend ... and I love me some Paul Bettany, and to have them in the same movie - that should be sheer happiness (like, Paul Bettany and Heath Ledger in the same movie-type happiness), but it's not. Sadly, not even the deliciousness of Johnny Depp and Paul Bettany can save this giant crap waste of my life.

Angelina Jolie, she was pretty - as always. I mean, she's a gorgeous individual, you can't deny it. (Strange, though, she may be.) But again, I divert to my original argument, that hotness cannot make up for the lack of plot, how boring it is, and how crappy the twist ends up being. Whatever.

Do yourself a favor, watch it with the sound muted. I bet the plot's way better that way.

Review: Dinner for Schmucks

There are not enough ways for me to say that I wasted two hours of my life watching this movie, and I want them back. I wasted a slot in my Netflix queue of which I could have used for a much better movie.

Paul Rudd, shame on you. You are so much better than this. Thanks to this movie, I must now alter my philosophy that states that any movie with Paul Rudd has to have some sort of redeeming quality and therefore can't be all bad. However, this is ALL bad, and then some, and there are no redeeming qualities. Not even Paul Rudd's whiny-ass character, Tim.

Unless you need to torture someone (since, you know, waterboarding is frowned upon), leave this movie behind. Trust me, if you ever watch this, you'll wish you listened to me.

Review: LeeAnn Womack, Reba, George Strait

There was a lot going on at the concert last night, and I’ll be posting another blog with more random observations from the show. Here is the basic run-down of the show itself.

I have been to A LOT of concerts in my time (current count is 26 and I think I’m forgetting a few), and let me tell you, not everyone sounds as good live as they do on CDs. The good thing is that all three of these artists sound just as good live. Always a good thing. (It’s so disheartening to go to a concert to realize the only reason you like the artist is because of the handiwork of some idiot in a sound booth.)

This was the first “in the round” concert I’d ever been to, and that was different. I mean, we were close enough to not have to watch the screens, but when they were on the other side of the stage, you had to. So, you have to work hard during these shows to find the optimum viewing angle for each spot.

LeeAnn Womack came out, and she’s okay. Not wearing the most flattering outfit in the world, but, you know, whatever works for her, considering she does NOT look like she did in the picture to the left. She did sing my favorite song of hers, and I wasn't sure she would, which made me happy. About halfway through her set, the two automatic cameras (out of the four, one for each corner of the stage) went out. Geek that I am, I had more fun watching the cameramen struggle to follow her than anything else. That is insanely pathetic, and I’m aware of that, but my pathetic-ness does get worse as the night goes on. Trust me.

So, LeeAnn Womack goes away and the next act comes out. We weren’t sure if it would be Reba or George Strait. It was Reba.

The last time I saw Reba was back when she was doing major theatrical stuff, with like 19 costume changes and all that. This was incredibly toned down compared to that, but it was great. She has a way of engaging the audience that is unrivaled by any other female artist I’ve ever seen. She was obviously having fun, including her band as much as possible, and I always appreciate artists who look like they are enjoying themselves as opposed to those who look like, “Damn, do I have to go to work again?”

This is the exact red dress she changed into.
Yay Google Images!

LeeAnn Womack came out again so Reba could sing “Does He Love You,” and their duet was pretty good. No one is Linda Davis, but it was pretty good nonetheless. Then Melissa Peterman (the blonde from the Reba show and host of “The Singing Bee”) came out, and the two did this little comedy act. You can tell it was totally rehearsed and was acting, but it was hilarious.

Her encore was, as I predicted, “Fancy.” This did allow for a costume change from all black to a bright red dress. She even came from the back to the stage in a mini-taxi. It was kind of cute.

Obviously, since Reba was the middle, that left George Strait to close. Reba’s a tough act to follow. God knows if I was on tour with her (ha, like that would ever happen – I am tone-deaf as hell), I would have to open because I wouldn’t want to be the let-down after that.

Needless to say, George Strait was a bit anticlimactic. He stands there, and he sings. That’s his thing. He would do two songs in each corner of the stage, then move to the next one. No moving during songs, no engaging the audience, just singing. He’s rather boring. In fact, I stopped watching him after I realized that, contrary to what middle-aged women have been screaming for years, George Strait has no ass. He does not have a cowboy butt that drives me nuts – or anyone, cause he doesn’t have one! How the hell Wrangler’s getting their money’s worth out of his endorsement all these years is beyond me. But I digress…

There were these screens in-between the screens that showed him, and they had these hypnotizing geometric shape things going on. The problem is, I noticed immediately they were off-center and it DROVE ME INSANE! Didn’t bother Scott until I pointed it out to him. Then he looked at me and goes, “Damn you.”

Towards the end of the show, which went on until 11:30, there was no dearth of drunks. Considering George is a rather boring guy to see on-stage, I spent more time watching the drunks act like fools. (More stories about those in a future blog.)

Oh, and observing George Straits weird mannerisms (shush, I had to entertain myself somehow – unlike Reba, you are not magnetically drawn to watch the stage when he’s on). He seemed to have a quota of the number of people he had to point to or wave to at each mark on the stage, and let me tell you, he’s got the most feminine-looking wave. I know it’s because he’s holding a guitar pick and trying not to be distracting to his singing, but, well, when you’re me, you notice this kind of thing. He said very little outside, “Thank you very much.” He did regularly tell us we were a great audience, and of course, my mind immediately went to Jimmy on South Park.

He also made incredibly weird faces when singing – if he had range, I might understand that, but, well, he doesn’t.  A couple times, he even did the “oh-no-she-didn’t head roll.” (If he would have snapped, I would have lost it right then and there.)

Basically, you know how, in the “Write This Down” video, he’s just kind of standing there singing, playing to the camera? That’s what he did this whole time. And that was his biggest thing. His audience was the camera in front of him, and not the thousands of people who were there. But, come on, we knew he lacked personality and charisma, you’ve seen the “wonderful” acting in Pure Country, haven’t you?

He left, came back and did a four or five song set as an encore, including “Folsom Prison Blues,” which seemed a little weird for him to be doing. I mean, George Strait doing a cover? It just didn’t make sense to me. (Then again, Reba has no need to do covers either and she did an entire album of them, so maybe I’m just over-analyzing.)

Anyway, the show was pretty good. I can now say I’ve seen George Strait live, even if it wasn’t crazy-exciting or anything. At least I can say I’ve done it. I’ve been there, done that. Did not spend a small fortune on the t-shirt though.

Review: The Tooth Fairy

Yeah, I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was “The Santa Clause.”

You know what, I even liked it the second time I saw it, when it was “The Game Plan.”

The third time is not the charm.

Actually, this movie is like the weird love child of “The Santa Clause” and “The Game Plan.” Only this time The Rock is a hockey player instead of a football player, and he learns his lesson because of being sentenced to being a tooth fairy instead of a dad.

Now, there were two redeeming qualities in this movie. One being Julie Andrews. I don’t think I could possibly detest a movie with Julie Andrews in it. Granted her character was essentially the queen from “The Princess Diaries” movies, I loved those movies, so rock on with your royal-ass self, Julie.  Two was Billy Crystal’s character making “The Princess Bride” references. Always a win in my book.

Ashley Judd is a fail no matter how you cut it. She can’t act her way out of a paper bag, so I guess that’s why the character they gave her was so flat and lifeless. “Here, Ashley, we know you need work, so this shouldn’t strain you too much.”

Dwayne Johnson was Dwayne Johnson. I mean, how much range can a former wrestler actually have? Though, I have to admit, seeing him a tutu was pretty much worth it. I want to see him walk out in the wrestling ring in that, though. But, now that he’s sold his soul to Disney, not only is his wrestling career over, but his acting career is basically crap movies now.

“Hey, we need a big guy to play the sports-star-turned-puddle-of-goo, any ideas?”

“Dwayne Johnson, duh.”

The whiny-ass Brit who plays his case worker irritated me. So much so I won’t even go look up who he was. He sounded a bit like the guy on Bones, but it couldn’t have been him, could it? No. I refuse to admit anyone associated with a show that cool was affiliated with a movie this bad. (Side note: Julie Andrews has a lifetime pass – she can play anything she damn well pleases.)

Were there a couple of redeeming qualities here and there throughout this movie? Yes. But were there enough for me to actually recommend wasting 90 minutes of your life and a Netflix queue slot? Not a chance.

P.S. Before you ask why the hell I even put this in my Netflix queue … Scott used to watch wrestling, and does still from time to time, so he’s a fan of “The Rock.” So, whenever there’s a Rock movie out, he usually sees it, if nothing else, to make fun of it. Which, we got plenty of that out during this movie.

Review: My Vega meal replacement products (AKA I do have tact, really)

It’s always fun to walk around Sam’s Club on the weekends because the little old ladies are out with their free samples of all kinds of good stuff. Shoot, you don’t even need to eat lunch, just go to Sam’s Club, you’ll be stuffed before you leave! (And probably spend way more than you intended, that’s just the way it goes at Sam’s.)

We didn’t go to Sam’s this weekend, we went to Whole Foods. Yay organic food! True to form, they had their people out peddling their brands at Whole Foods too.

We were about done with our trip and heading to the check-out, and I passed a guy with meal replacement bars on a table. Well, I’m always about a decent, quick breakfast, so I stopped. He had three kinds – “original,” “green vibrancy,” and “chocolate.” I tried the chocolate – it was a bit strong, but I choked it down. Then I tried the original, which really wasn’t too bad. It was kind of sweet, he goes, “That’s the agave that sweetens it.” Well, he said agave and something else, but I have since forgotten. See how much of an impression he made? But I picked up one of the “original” bars and put it in my cart.

They also had some powder for meal replacement drinks. Eh, I’m a sucker. There were three flavors: Berry, Natural (which was tropical fruit with a hint of cinnamon) and Chocolate Banana. I opted to try the natural, considering I like Trop-a-Rocka tea, and that’s tropical fruit flavored with cinnamon.

This is not the same
green sludge, but you get
the point.

He gets a little taste-tester cup, and he pours out the natural-flavored shake. What came out of that blue bottle looked like seaweed puree. I am sure Scott read the look on my face, which translated into, “OMG, do I have to drink that?”

I took a sniff. It actually didn’t smell that bad.

I took a tiny taste and said, “It tastes better than it looks.”

The guy goes, “Yeah, they decided to focus on taste first, and looks second.”

Well, dude, here’s the thing … you eat with your eyes too. If something doesn’t look good or smell good, as those are the senses that are engaged before taste, no one will taste it. And I am most certainly not drinking green sludge for breakfast every morning.

Furthermore, the taste was okay. It didn’t gag me right then and there, but I didn’t really want to finish it either, and all I had was about a shot of this stuff. So, I walked away, promising I’d look on the website to buy the stuff. Scott asked if I wanted him to throw the still mostly-full cup away, and I told him there was a trash can back by the bakery. Unfortunately, he had to pass the My Vega guy on the way there and he’s like, “Oh, I’ll take that.” So, yeah, Scott inadvertently ratted me out. Thanks Scott. I was all nice and tactful, for once in my life, and you had to go ruin that one shining moment for me!

But wait – there’s more!

This morning Scott packed up my lunch for me, and threw the bar in there for me to eat for breakfast. I opened it, took a bite. Okay. Tolerable. Definitely not my choice for breakfast every day, but it wasn’t gag-inducing. Until the second bite. For whatever reason I can only handle this bar in one-bite increments. I guess it’s the after-taste combining with the actual taste of it that just about made me throw it out the window. (Why didn’t I, you ask? Because I like birds too much to feed that to them. Maybe I’ll shove it down the throats of the evil geese at work, though.)

I ended up in the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A for breakfast instead. It was his pleasure to serve me. And dammit it was my pleasure to eat my chicken bagel instead of this vegan crap. Note to self, scratch “become a vegan” off the bucket list. Not happening.

Raw, meat-free, gluten-free, soy-free, yummy-free bar My Vega people can bite me. I am an omnivore for a reason, darn it.

I think I'd rather this Vega kick my ass than My Vega.

Movie review - The Social Network

Let me precede this with a fact: I do not walk out of movies. I don’t do it. I’ve wanted to, boy have I wanted to, but I’ve always managed to find it in my heart to let directors and/or actors redeem themselves to me before the ending credits roll. (That’s not to say that I haven’t turned off DVDs because I have, but even that’s a rarity.)

That being said, I could not make it through this movie. I walked out halfway through, and did not look back.

The gist is that Mark Zuckerberg is this crazy, insane computer programmer and socially awkward outcast who creates The Facebook. The story is told through flashbacks while he’s in the midst of two different lawsuits. It’s quite confusing to keep straight, and I think at the point I just gave up trying was when I walked out. My head hurt.

From what I’ve heard elsewhere, the story is insanely sensationalized in this movie. Makes me want to read the real story of Mark Zuckerberg, although, it’s probably insanely boring. Hey, wait, so was this movie. But I do suffer from insomnia, so perhaps Zuckerberg’s story will be just the thing to actually cure my insomnia. Hey, it could happen.

As an aside, the twins are played by the same actor. Really? They couldn’t cast a set of twins? They had to make the same guy play them? That’s almost (but not quite) as freaky as Deep Roy playing all the Oompa Loompas in the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I guess they wanted to do the anti-Olsen twins bit. Or were they trying to prove that Eddie Murphy and Mike Meyers aren't the only ones who can play multiple roles in a single movie. I have no idea. But really, I think they could have expanded the casting call to find a real set of twins.

Then again, what do I know? I didn’t even make it through the whole movie.

Two reviews for the price of one! "Juno" and "27 Dresses"

I'm a little behind, but better late than never. I have a handful of DVDs I've owned forever, but never got around to watching for whatever reason. Being that I stayed home from work today (due to what I found out later was an ear infection and possible vocal cord infection), I got caught up on a couple of them.

--

Juno

I had one friend tell me this movie insulted your intelligence - and I had others still rave about it. They were both a little right.

It's an okay movie as far as humor and falling in love with the social outcast of a main character (and Ellen Page is so freakin' cute). On the flip side, it's a movie that really goes in circles so much it hurt my already throbbing head.

The trailer gave you the basic plot. High school junior gets pregnant by her best friend, Bleeker (played by an adorably geeky Michael Cera), and instead of keep the baby or have an abortion, she opts to give it up for adoption.

In true Hollywood fashion, there's a little drama, but by the end, there's a happy ending for all involved. Awwww.

Despite the fact it went from simple to complicated to really complicated back to simple - which more than pissed me off - I love the fact geek love is featured. God knows I've fallen for my fair share of ones in life who were geeky social outcasts, but I didn't care. I love the fact Hollywood (albeit Fox Searchlight) finally acknowledged a high school romance, and subsequent pregnancy, doesn't have to be between the quarterback and head cheerleader. (Yes, Sugar and Spice, and to a lesser degree, Glee, I'm looking at you.)

And yes, I'm now ashamed that I made any sort of reference to the fact I have, in fact, seen Sugar and Spice.

--

Yep, the movie poster is in French here -
but it's me, so you know I love it
and it features hottie cynical journalist. WIN!

27 Dresses

Story - predictable, cheesy, fluff.

Love interest - Hot, cynical, journalist. 

Oh yeah, count me in. Who needs a plot when you've got James Marsden playing a cynical journalist? Not me boy. 

 

Movie review: Couples Retreat

It's human nature to revel in other people's fucked-uped-ness, and I think that's essentially the goal of this movie - but there's really nothing to revel in. Period.

I have to say, I've been sorely disappointed in Vince Vaughn movies as a general rule (with the obvious exception of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story - but if you hated that movie, you don't deserve to breathe). I didn't like Wedding Crashers, I didn't like The Break-Up, so I really am not surprised that I didn't like this one. I wanted to. I hoped it would be funny.

After all, when Cynthia (Kristen Bell) and Jason (Jason Bateman - oh the irony) consider divorce because they can't conceive, and then drag their friends along to this retreat to save money, you really should just give up on it. But no, I gave it a chance. I want my two hours back. And a better movie from Netflix next time!

So, all the friends go to Eden West, the ultimate couples retreat. As they get off the boat, one of them says, "This place looks like a screensaver." Perhaps that should have given it away - all pretty, but lacks depth, realism and substance. Again, I should have known to give up at that point, but nope, gave it a chance.

Here's the problem - only Jason and Cynthia are interested in couples counseling. Everyone else has either given up on their marriage or thought their marriage was fine. Unfortunately, they all have to go through couples counseling. Oh no. Enter the angst-ridden portion of the plot.

There were a couple of decent one-liners. Unfortunately, they weren't good enough for me to remember today, less than 24 hours after watching the movie. Guess they weren't that good after all.

The crazy gay Asian guy from The Hangover was in this one, but he wasn't near as entertaining as he was in The Hangover. But why should that surprise anyone, this movie wasn't anywhere near as good as that one - and that one was far from cinematic gold.

If anything, this one might just have to be considered cinematic rust. Full of holes, and the more thought and time you put into it, the bigger those holes get.

Here's a hint to Vince Vaughn - give it up now. Don't write anymore movies. Just don't. Go home to your Canadian real-estate agent wife, enjoy the time with your new baby, and forget about Hollywood. Trust me, I'll thank you for it, if no one else does.

Movie review: The Hangover

*Disclaimer: Although most movie reviews are written immediately after watching, I felt this one would be better-suited to be written the morning after.*

If there ever was a movie without a point, it would be this one. If it were possible for a bromance, Rain Man and Vegas Vacation to have baby, this would be it.

That's not to say I didn't enjoy it. Quite the contrary, the one-liners were awesome. Quite frankly, there's not much funnier than a flamboyantly gay Asian guy. (You are shaking your head. Watch the movie, you'll see what I mean.)

What's the point of this movie? I mentioned before, there isn't one. The loose plot revolves around Doug who is going out with his best friends for a bachelor party in Vegas. One last night of bromance and debauchery - you know it can't really be setting itself up to be Oscar-material.

They have a great night. One they vow they will never forget but one that never happened. Unfortunately, they don't remember a thing. The following morning they wake up in a trashed $4,200-a-night hotel room, with a tiger, a chicken, and one less friend. The rest of the movie revolves around them trying to find the missing friend. (Don't worry, you find out why the tiger is there eventually.)

In the end, it was much more over-wrought than it should have been. You do, however, get sucked in, wanting to know what happened in the last 12 hours.

It may not be the best movie in the world - and this may not be the best review in my arsenal (c'est la vie) - but I do know the next time someone asks me for directions, I'm totally going to tell them whatever they are looking for is "at the corner of Get A Map and Fuck Off." If there's one thing I've learned, it's not all bad if you walk away quoting it.

Movie Review: The Other Guys

Yes, that's a giant picture of Mark Wahlberg up above. Yes, that's happiness. Yes, that's the reason to see this movie.

Actually, you notice that shirt? It's a Bayside Tigers shirt. Not actual SBTB paraphernalia (colors are wrong for that), but you know, cool nonetheless if you're a geek like me.

Mark Wahlberg and his wardrobe aside, was the movie any good? I have to be honest with you, I don't remember much beyond there was Marky Mark in a Bayside shirt and there was Marky Mark in a tux at one point ... oh, and Michael Keaton, a police chief who works a side job at Bed, Bath and Beyond and quotes TLC.

Actually, okay, there was a plot. There were these two cops (Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson) who were the pompous-ass-cops of the NYPD. Unfortunately their heads were too big and they met an untimely end. Some cops had to step up and take their place.

Who was it? Alex Gamble (Will Ferrell) and Terry Hoitz (the aforementioned super-hot Mark Wahlberg). Gamble is a guy who despises confrontation and anything besides number-crunching - on the surface. Hoitz is a good cop, but he was tethered to the idiotic Gamble because he shot Derek Jeter. (Hell, I'd shoot Derek Jeter, so you know, I don't know why he was punished that much.)

Anyway, Gamble stumbled across some missing scaffolding permits and wants to arrest this guy. Good news - he's right to arrest him. Bad news - he needs to be arrested for a while lot more than missing scaffolding permits. The problem? Everything. The guy who needs to be arrested is in deep with the Nigerians, the Chechnyans (for an apparent attempt at a Chechnyan-version of Dora the Explorer that didn't work out well), as well as a billion-dollar company.

But it's Hollywood, so you know there's a happy ending. (Or a few. You know everyone's problem was resolved. Well, except for Michael Keaton's bisexual kid, but you know, you can't win them all.)

I really can't stand Will Ferrell. If it's not Talladega Nights, I'm not interested. He really stuck to his normal mojo - yelling a little too much, and playing the idiot well. I actually saw his character much like the one in Stranger than Fiction. But the fact of the matter is, I didn't go to this movie to see Will Ferrell. He was just sort of like the annoying yelling guy in the background while I drooled over Mark Wahlberg.

Sorry, had to pause for a Marky Mark break. There were some great one-liners though ...

• "Did someone call 9-1-oh holy shit?" (Samuel L. Jackson - who else?)
• "We are like literally driving around in a vagina." (Said about the red Prius that would in no way survive what it was put through, but it's Hollywood.)
• Bad guy on the excessiveness in America: "I own 18 Lamborghinis and a Subaru Outback station wagon."
• Said as bad guy was being arrested: "I hope you like prison food ... and penis."

There were some more, but I don't want it to be like one of those trailers where all the funny parts of the movie are revealed before you see it. That's no fun.

Bottom line - tolerable. Especially if you like watching Mark Wahlberg (and I do) along with a Toyota Prius falling apart (always fun).

Movie review: Kick Ass

Didn't watch it. Didn't care. I was on my computer and half paying-attention. Don't think that's the reason why I didn't get into it - because I fell in love with House, Psych and even Burn Notice doing the exact same thing. (And now I never miss a House or a Psych episode, and I usually end up paying more attention to Burn Notice than to my computer.) That being said, nothing grabbed me about this movie and I decided stalking people on Facebook and subsequently going to bed was more intriguing than this movie.

My return to publically bashing movies (well, sort of)

If you don’t know I spent four years as a movie critic, then you don’t know me very well. You may not know that I do insanely miss it, even though I did it for free because I liked my editor and the opportunity to get away with putting things in print that probably never should have been seen by another human being. Always a plus.

My days of going to the movies on a regular basis are over. My two-year-old is the reason for that (moment of levity: I wouldn’t trade her for my ability to go to the movies on a regular basis … whoa, now that I’ve got that out of my system, allow me to continue.)

We have just recently found the joys of Netflix. I used to be a Columbia-House-have-to-own-them-rather-than-rent-them kind of person. Why the change? Again, reference the two-year-old. We converted the front room of our house into a playroom for her, and our nearly 400 DVDs ended up in boxes in whatever closet or corner we could find. Ergo, getting to a movie was hard, and even harder was finding a place to put any new movies that joined the large family. (My DVD collection is like the Duggars – we weren’t going to stop until God himself threw in a roadblock. Unfortunately, my roadblock came, the Duggars are still revving along, wanting yet ANOTHER ONE!)

Because I miss the movie reviewing, I might as well just use this for that, as well as my crazy rants and sorry excuses for writing (woohoo, nothing like using those college degrees for something useful in life). So, in the future, I will post reviews of the latest movies I’ve seen. However, since we’ve seen a handful in the last couple weeks, allow me to give you a brief run-down of each (by that I mean a couple sentences that by no means give the quality, or lack there-of, of said movie justice).

Inglourious Basterds

Typical Tarantino, and by that I mean it wasn’t good but it wasn’t make-me-want-to-turn-off-the-DVD bad. It was, however, one of my favorite Brad Pitt roles.

The Informant

Think Catch Me If You Can only not cool. (If you know how much I despise Tom Hanks, that’s saying something.)

Valentine’s Day

Think Love, Actually only not cool.

The Lovely Bones

It’s a good thing I love Mark Wahlberg, because if this had been the only movie of his I’d ever seen, I don’t think I’d ever see another one. Stanley Tucci was great though.

What’s coming next?

Currently at home: Kick Ass

Next in queue: Couple’s Retreat, The Hangover, and Terminator: Salvation (not necessarily in that order – and if you think I will be watching Terminator: Salvation get the hell off this blog now because I don’t need to be associating with you)

Next in the theater: We’re going to try to see The Other Guys, but you never know how it will work out. The best laid plans…

Custom Built? Not so much...

Due to the fact that I’m insanely bored and opinionated – never a good combination – I’ll go ahead and regale you with a review of the new Bret Michaels CD, Custom Built.

If I was a member of the Bret Michaels fan club, I think I might get kicked out for the things I’m about to say. But, well, c’est la vie.

Overall, it sounds just like what I’ve heard before. In fact, three of the tracks are actually from Freedom of Sound, another solo Bret Michaels project. Two others are “club mixes” of tracks from Freedom of Sound. Seriously Bret, could you not come up with some new music, so you had to lift from your previous work? I mean, sheesh. I’d rather have an eight-track CD of all new material as opposed to a 12-track CD where a third of it came from other CDs.

Similarly, the song Every Rose (the country version of Every Rose Has Its Thorn) is one of the tracks shared between this CD and Freedom of Sound. I like Every Rose Has Its Thorn as much as the next 80s girl out there, but come on Bret, let’s get it together and not live in the past. It’s not the only good song you ever wrote. Plus (God forgive me for saying it), it’s kind of pathetic that you lean on that song so much. It’s not like you were a one-hit wonder, for God’s sake. STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!

Now, onto some of the new tracks… first of all, it’s somewhat sad that all of his music has the same “monochromatic” sound to it. I mean, it’s almost like, “heard one Bret Michaels song, heard them all,” at this point. I know he can sing, I know he’s got range – I wish he’d use it. Come on, Bret, step outside the box. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. I know it’s comfortable in the box, but still.

If there’s one thing in music I can’t stand, it’s when artists refer to older songs (or worse, themselves), in lyrics to songs. I’ve often called this the “kiss of death” because most artists who refer to themselves in the lyrics of their songs don’t last too long. (Case and point, Bros. If you don’t know who they are, I just proved my point. I have seen them in concert – not by choice – so they really did exist and they really did suck, and the only lyrics I remember from any of their songs was “singing B-R-O-S, B-R-O-S.” But I digress.) In one of the songs, Bret refers back to the Poison song Sexual Thing (which is not one of my favorites, I might add). Really? Can’t come up with new lyrics so we have to scrape the 20-year-old barrel? (If you listen to some of his other solo stuff, it does reference other Poison lyrics. So this is not the only violator, but it irritates me just the same.)

The track What I Got is tolerable (as far as lyrics go), but it features Bret trying to rap. Let’s get something straight – I fully believe that white guys should not rap. (Yes, Eminem, Vanilla Ice and Kid Rock, I’m talking to you!) Especially white blond guys (again, Vanilla Ice, I’m talking to you). What’s even worse, the beginning of the song is someone, and I can only assume it’s Bret, who is beat-boxing. Umm, no. Run away. Run far, far away.

Oh, okay, and now onto my biggest pet peeve – Nothing to Lose. First, there are two versions. One of Bret by himself, and one where he sings with someone else, which is one of those sad ploys to add more tracks to a CD without adding content (hey, Bon Jovi, you did the same thing with You Can’t Go Home, so don’t think you’re free and clear from my wrath). That’s not my biggest problem with it. Nope. Not by a long shot.

My problem is that the duet version is with Miley Cyrus. (The only way, and I mean the only way, it could be worse is if it was a duet with LeAnn Rimes. Hey, Bon Jovi, you hear me?) I mean, I can tolerate Miley’s voice if I have to, but the song is very … ummm … yeah, you get where I’m going. To duet it with a 17-year-old Disney starlet? That’s just gross. Come on. I mean, yeah, I know she’s a slut and all, but still. The image is just wrong.

So… there’s the new Bret Michaels’ CD according to me. Sorry Bret. I still love you, but am not impressed with this newest collection. Next time, don’t rush a CD out just because you’re riding high on the publicity of a brain hemorrhage, mmmkay? Take your time, put together a better collection of music, and we’ll still love you. Promise.