What's In A Name ?

I read that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden named their new baby boy , Sparrow James Midnight . For anyone over the age of twenty five and highly literate , do not feel badly if you have no idea who these people are .

Suffice it to say , they are cogs in the Hollywood media machine with little talent other than garnering tabloid attention .

I realize this speaks volumes about me that :

1 ) I came across this fact during my internet travels and

2 ) That I am not too embarrassed to share said fact . But , it got me thinking about today’s name game and what we do to our children.

Anyone growing up as a young child of the seventies , the given names of friends were , for the most part , entirely bland and formulaic . With a few notable exceptions , the parents within the little community refrained from wandering too far off the reservation as far as naming their children .

There were plenty of Davids and Marys , Marks and Amys , Johns and Susans . Middle names were cast but rarely referenced .

Unless in the kind of trouble that warranted a call from the police or an angry guidance counselor , almost no one was addressed by their first and middle names .

None of us came from families with that kind of social patina ; descendants from the Mayflower we were not . The age of celebrity one - upmanship in the name department had not gone viral .

There were no Farquhars or Pipers , no Sparrows to beat them senseless in the school compund during recess .

There were plenty of kids who had issues but how they were named was not one of them . Sure , there was the random Smith or Brent , saddled with a last name in lieu of a first and bringing to mind connotations of men who summer on the Vineyard always with gin and tonic in hand .

Beyond that , there were no Averys or Aubreys , Madisons or Heaths . No one was named after a season , a comic book character , an exotic destination in which they were conceived , or item of fruit .

The expectations of a William or a Michael to the outside world are ostensibly the same . Neither name screams Supreme Court Judge or FBI Watch List candidate . There is no sexual ambiguity .

Your child can decide on his own if he wants to be a jock , effeminate homosexual or somewhere in between . There is no baggage attached immediately when the child comes out of the womb .

This is not to say there is no utility in giving a child a unique moniker . Some of the more extreme names given to children of the stars are a lesson in a Marketing 101 branding project .

Sylvester Stallone named his child Sage Moonblood , a heartfelt reference to his Rambo days , no doubt. Jermaine Jackson , brother of Wacko Jacko , labelled his child Jermajesty .

How does one introduce this child with a straight face ?

" Here is Jermajesty . "

We are thinking interior designer or drag queen when he grows up . Or , he can always follow in his uncle's footsteps .

Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter is Apple in keeping with her holistic , whole foods , colon cleansing image . If only Martha Stewart had jumped on this train when she had a chance.

Tu Morrow , daughter of Rob Morrow ( from the TV show " Numb3rs " ) . The sun will come out Tomorrow ? What are you doing tomorrow , Tu Morrow ? The jokes are endless . But a pun is exactly what Rob was going for .

Cardamom anyone?

- Jaden -