*Disclaimer: I AM NOT PREGNANT AGAIN! So don't ask.*
The conclusion of my mindless ramblings about being pregnant. Most of these were written at the very end through swollen ankles, irritating weekly doctor's appointments and insane back pain - just warning you. If you missed the beginning of this series, click for 1-3, 4-6, 7-9, 10-12, and 13-15.
Just a reminder, I left these completely unedited from how I wrote them in my pregnancy-haze. If there are typos, well, blame it on the hormones. I do.
---
16. Anything and everything pisses me off
If I thought I was irritable before I got pregnant, I had no idea what I was going to turn into when I was nine months pregnant.
Anyone predicting (and most likely rightfully so) that this baby would be late got a look that could kill. My husband just saying one little thing would set me into a world of accusations like you wouldn’t believe.
And my doctor decided to get smart with me and I came very close to shoving my giant, swollen foot up his ass for it. Have already threatened death threats if we don’t start talking induction soon. (Hey, for the record, I tried being nice and taking in homemade cookies, and that didn’t work – the next logical approach is to threaten to kill him. And odds are I won’t be the first, or the last, to do so.)
17. The last two weeks DRAG by
All I want to do is have this baby. I’m not ready to be a parent, but they assure me nobody is. But I do know I’m very ready NOT to be pregnant. And each day that passes and I don’t have a contraction, I get more and more pissed off (reference above).
Finally, getting tired of hauling my ass out of bed after a sleepless night and walking up the hill into work to sit in an extremely uncomfortable chair as long as possible, I decided to start my maternity leave early. Trying to relax to prepare for all of this. Whereas that was a great idea in theory, now I just sit around the house and listen to the seconds tick by on the clock. Second, minutes, hours with no impending signs of labor. Woohoo. How irritating is that? I have to go back to work in six weeks if I have this kid tomorrow or if I have this kid in six weeks, so the sooner the better – but apparently this child will take after its daddy because he sees no reason to rush things either. ARGH.
18. If one more person tells me to “let it bake”…
I’m seriously going to go insane.
Look, I read all the literature the doctor gave me. I read everything I could find on the internet (six or seven times because I had to fill all those sleepless nights somehow). The fact of the matter is this:
1) All lung development is complete by 36 weeks.
2) At 37 weeks you are considered full-term.
Which means it’s entirely safe to have your baby at any point after 37 weeks with no adverse effects. Even my doctor said so – he told me I was at the point where he didn’t care if I went into labor or not (although my mother threw a fit and said I had to go to the 40 week mark, that’s why it’s there – cause apparently she got some medical training my doctor didn’t).
So when I tell you I want to go into labor now, and I’m 38 weeks, or 39 weeks, don’t you dare tell me to let this child bake for another week. Who the hell are you to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be baking?
I have six days left before my due date. I want to pop this freakin’ child out NOW. Of course, at the rate things are going, short of performing a c-section on my kitchen floor with a paring knife, I don’t think I’ll see this child anytime in the near future.
Because apparently babies set schedules for you – even before they are born. Which really, in all honesty, doesn’t seem fair at all. I mean, you can’t even breathe yet, why the hell do you have the right to keep me from going where I want to go or doing what I want to do (or eating what I want to eat)? And dammit, I’ve been your heater, incubator, and food source for the last nine months – the least you could do is come on out MY schedule instead of YOURS.
19. I have this insane fear of not knowing I’m in labor
Labor is described as the worst pain you’ll ever feel (but pain you forget easily – someone please explain that oxymoron to me).
I Google what contractions feel like every day, just to remind myself I’m not feeling them, apparently. I have read the stories of the women who didn’t know they were having contractions until the baby just sort of landed in their pants. I really don’t want to be one of those women.
Of course, the majority tell me that “you know.” You just know. You can’t mistake it for anything else. A lot of people say early on it fees like menstrual cramps, which is great information to have, except I don’t get those. Never really have. (Which is one reason I knew I was pregnant because I was getting cramping that was not normal.)
Sigh.
I pray every night to keep my baby healthy and happy, and to make it blatantly obvious I’m in labor. Have my water break. Oh, but the control freak I am, I can’t have my water break at work (not a problem anymore, now that I stopped going to work). Also don’t want my water to break in public, just because that would be embarrassing. And I don’t want it to break on my dog. Okay, that sounds a lot worse than it is … at night he curls up in the crook of my leg, and I just don’t want my water to break while he’s in that position so I have to give him a bath before we leave for the hospital. Oh, and it would be insanely nice if my water didn’t break on my brand new carpet in the living room – I spent $3000 to replace it, I haven’t paid it off yet, and I’d hate to have to replace it again.
---
And that's it. So all of you who are freakin' tired of reading about this, I'll be back to posting normal, sarcastic and biting blogs tomorrow.
And if you're worried about the water breaking thing: I was induced, it was broken for me. No problems with damaging the carpet, embarrassing me in public, or having to give the dog a bath. Then again, the story of the people we endured in the hospital is a whole other tale of woe in and of itself. But, well, let's not scare my poor pregnant friend any more than we have to, shall we?
No comments:
Post a Comment