Thanks for doing the world a favor

Sources: Suspected Craigslist killer used bag, pen in suicide

The Craigslist Killer is back in the news today ... because he's dead.

Wow, there's a great lead for you, isn't it? I have nothing pithy or witty to say. I also have no sympathy and no mercy for this moron.

Allow me to do one of my favorite pastimes, now, and break down the news story, because I can. Not in Grammar Nazi style (although that's often fun), but in WTF style.

"...how alleged Craigslist killer Philip Markoff ... could commit a slow, gruesome suicide, denying his alleged victim’s family justice."

Really? That's what they are going with? Conducting a probe to find out why this doucebag who doesn't deserve the cot he was allowed to sleep on in prison, is dead? Why? He did the world a favor. And the taxpayers. Send him a posthumous thank-you card rather than conducting an investigation.

Oh, and as for the "denying the alleged victim's family justice" bit - well, yeah, sorry victim's momma, you won't get to sit in court and listen to the judge say the word "guilty." I know, that sucks for you. But you will get to know that he died a slow, gruesome death at his own hand, which to me, is so much sweeter for you than the humane way he'd die if he had been sentenced to death. (I know, courts are still debating the humanity of lethal injection - that's an issue you don't want to get me started on, okay?) Just be grateful he met his untimely end and that your tax dollars don't have to go to keep him alive until the appeals process is complete. This also saves you the heartache of having to go through the trial over and over again as it moves through the appellate court. So, really, he did you a huge favor. I'm not saying you need to send his family a box of chocolates or an bouquet from Edible Arrangements to express your gratitude, but you know, realize that this is a win-win for you.

"...he was found suffocated by a clear plastic shopping bag from the jail’s canteen yesterday morning. The apple-pie handsome former medical student at Boston University had also stabbed himself with a pen, sources said."

Well, you have to give him points for a unique method of killing himself. Hanging yourself by a bedsheet is so overwrought and has been done so many times before.

Side note #1: I absolutely LOVE the "apple-pie handsome" adjective. AWESOME.
Side note #2: The awesomeness of the aforementioned phrase is completely negated by the reporter's use of the phrase "had also" seven words later. (Grammar Nazi alert - sound the alarm!) Had, just like the word that, is overused. It makes me cringe when I read it being used in a sentence unnecessarily. This sentence would have lost no meaning if the word "had" wasn't there. It's one of those giant red flags - I was reading a book earlier tonight that was guilty of this same sin (to a whole new level) and it just drives me nuts. The reporters obviously did not have as great an editing professor as I did in college - and neither did their editor.

He was pronounced dead at 10:17 a.m. He had not been checked on all night, sources said.

Grammar Nazi note number two (I know, I did say I wasn't going to do this, but it's oh so fun): I would totally rearrange the last sentence to read, "Sources said he had not been checked on all night." (Yes, this is one instance where had can stay.) I just think it reads funny with "sources said" at the end and it would flow better the other way.


As far as the fact goes here, would you want to check on this douchebag? I know I wouldn't. Let him suffer.

"...who sources said used his medical know-how to try to sever major arteries so he would bleed to death..."

Good, his medical training comes in useful for something besides killing erotic masseuses.

"...preliminarily ruled an “apparent suicide” by authorities..."

Of course it is. Because if it was a murder by another inmate, the jail's going to be in a world of shit. I mean, they are already going to get a slap on the wrist because he wasn't checked on all night, but if it isn't suicide then they will have a bunch more questions to answer. This is so much cleaner. (Conspiracy theorists unite!)

"Murphy wants Suffolk District Attorney Daniel Conley to lead his own investigation into how Markoff was able to get away with taking his own life before trial..." 

Oh yeah, cause this was such a novel idea, it's never been done before. Puh-leeze.

“Markoff was alone in his cell, and all evidence collected thus far indicates that he took his own life...” 

1) Is it just me, or are you wishing his name was Jackoff instead of Markoff right about now? The story would definitely be more interesting to read.

2) Yeah, well, being found with a plastic bag on your head, in a pool of your own blood, when you've been alone all night does seem to indicate it was self-inflicted. I'm so glad we pay these people big bucks to figure out complicated things like this all on their own. 

"...who was not on a suicide watch, though had been previously..." 

And, who cares? He's dead. She's dead. He did it. He's guilty. He's not sorry. 

I mean, really, do you think he killed himself out of overwhelming guilt?

Do you think he killed himself to avoid standing trial?

Or do you think he did it so he could find this erotic masseuse in the afterlife and mess with her? 

"Officials at the 654-bed maximum security jail did not say how long he may have been dead." 

 It matters why, exactly?

"...high-profile prisoner could have managed to carry out such a slow, agonizing finish.

“It sounds a little odd to me. It’s strange that he could have gotten that far into the day without somebody noticing,” Borgeson said."

Refer to previous statement. Why's it really matter? He did the world, and the taxpayers, some good. For once, he did something useful! If he didn't do it, is the world really suffering because someone else did him in?

“It’s shocking and very saddening,” his defense attorney, John Salsberg, said."

It's shocking and very saddening because I no longer have a meal ticket, his defense attorney, John Salsberg actually meant.

"The Craigslist killer case made world headlines after Brisman, 25, a bee-stung-lipped New York actress..." 

News reporting lesson of the day: cool turns of phrase like "apple-pie handsome" and, to an even bigger degree, "bee-stung-lipped New York actress," do not belong in hard news stories. There is a time and a place for cool turns of phrase, and that would be feature stories. And op-ed pieces, if you really want to go that far. That's it. Hard news is supposed to be the facts and nothing more. Nothing flashy, nothing fancy. Creative writing and hard news do not mix. 

Why you ask? Hard news is facts. Putting in cutesy phrases like that actually lower the credibility of the story. If you had two stories on the Craigslist Killer side-by-side and you were asked which one you believed more, odds are you'd pick the one without the cutesy stuff. Sure, you may think, "that was a nice phrase, I really like it," but when it boils down to credibility, it will go to the story without the flash. Remember, substance wins over style in this particular battle.

That is all. You can return back to your previously dissected news story.

"Prosecutors said Markoff left a ridiculously amateur trail of fingerprints at the crime scenes and secreted the murder weapon in a hollowed-out “Gray’s Anatomy” textbook"

The guy is obviously not dumb, so it makes you wonder if he wanted to get caught. 

“Staffing levels had nothing to do with what happened today,” McLean said. “We’re staffed accordingly 24 hours a day, whether it’s overtime or not.”

Talk about poor writing/editing. This sentence really did not need to be here, it needed to be on the first page in the story when they were talking about how things didn't add up given the timing aspect. This came up right after the flashback to the original crime. It's poor flow. Methinks something didn't get edited well.

As for the "We're staffed accordingly 24 hours a day," quote - I should hope so. It's not like come 8 p.m. the guards tell the inmates, "Alright dudes, we're out for the night. Lefty, you're in charge. No leaving your cells or riots while we're gone tonight, okay?"