By Request - "Got any cheez?"

Alright, so the first “official” request blog – I asked a friend for a topic. The next words out of his mouth were, shockingly, “Cheez Whiz.” Yep. I hadn’t even thought about Cheez Whiz in years, let alone utter the words. Wow. So … here we go…

First, a confession. You cannot be a female and be a member of my family and not eat cheese. It’s just not allowed. So, believe me, we know cheese. Cheese is good. Cheese, it’s what’s for dinner.

Now, Cheez Whiz. Come on, we all ate it, we all know it. But it’s far from cheese. In fact, look at that label – it’s got Cheez Whiz on broccoli. Really? Once you put this crap on your broccoli, you might as well just be eating Cheetos, the cheese is just as fake – and the Cheetos are probably healthier for you. I’m just saying.

We always had Cheez Whiz in our house. We had “nacho night” which pretty much meant bowls, tortilla chips, and a jar of Cheez Whiz that we burned ourselves on as we passed it around the table to pour onto our chips. So, yeah, I’ve had my fair share of this pasteurized, processed, cheese-like product in my life. But we all know it’s not cheese.

Cheese does not sit on a shelf in a jar. No, cheese belongs in the refrigerated section. Next.

Remember how, partway through the “melting” process you had to take the jar out and stir it up? Yeah, that giant glob at the bottom of the jar was nothing but cheese-flavored lard that you were breaking up. It was greasy and nasty – it was far from the beauty that melted cheese should resemble. (Melting Pot fondue, anyone?)

There was always that bit that got burned around the top. ALWAYS. The further away from the safety of the glop of lard at the bottom of the jar, the worse the burn. If you didn’t use the whole jar, the burn just got worse and worse every time you made Cheez Whiz – and there was no getting it off. Oh no, it was on there forever. My mom just joined the recycling craze around this point in my life, but there was no recycling these jars because of that nasty stuff permanently encrusting the top of the jar. In fact, if we threw the jar on the ground, I bet the glass would shatter but the burnt-on crust of mock-cheese would probably remain.

Ohhhh, remember when Cheez Whiz went all “high-class" and came in a plastic squeeze bottle instead of the jar? Oh yeah, it made the first time you made the Cheez Whiz easier. However the drawbacks were bad. After all, the plastic was so thin, the slightest touch burned the hell out of your hand because it was just about like putting your hand in the scalding cheesy-like mess – and if you used a potholder, you know you squeezed it and got a gooey mess all over the floor. And you still got that burnt on crap, but they must have coated the inside of the bottle with PAM because it would come off (unlike with the glass jars). You might say “yay,” but being that the stuff slid down and blocked the hole, your non-cheesy cheesy-goodness was now trapped. So you had to take the plastic flip-cap off, fish out the charred mess, and at that point you might as well have been fighting with the glass jars – at least you would have clogged your arteries in less time.

Enough about Cheez Whiz …

What sort of blog about fake cheese products would be complete with the college-kid’s best friend – Easy Cheese? Man, we lived off that stuff my freshman year of college. Now, come on, we all know you ate it, don’t lie. But if you spent a large portion of your freshman year drunk, you know you ate more of it.

Come on, who doesn’t love cheese that comes out in a star-shaped string? It’s like playing with a Play-Doh press, only this time you can eat it. (Of course, it’s probably just as toxic, but I digress.) You didn’t put Easy Cheese on just any sort of cracker. Oh no. It was Ritz or nothing. Yes, you shelled out money for the “good” crackers for this culinary gem. (Side note: I would absolutely LOVE, love, love to see Easy Cheese as an ingredient in the baskets on Chopped. Good luck!)

Now, you have to love the “flavor” listed on the can in the picture. It’s American. First of all, of course it’s American. Only Americans would bastardize cheese in such a form. I don’t understand why a flavor had to be listed, it all tasted the same. When you’re drunk, you don’t care what flavor it is anyway, it’s just fun to play with.

We always made the joke that they should make glow-in-the-dark Easy Cheese. It would definitely make life more fun for the stoners. Really, though, how awesome would a rave be with glow-in-the-dark Easy Cheese? Yeah, right, like it could be any more unhealthy than what's already in that can...

Now let’s move onto what I had for lunch … a Weight Watchers Smart Ones Three Cheese Macaroni. Look, it’s only six points, and 300 calories.


If you know anything about calorie counting, you know that macaroni and cheese has way more than 300 calories in it. Shoot, just a serving of pasta hovers in the 250-300 calorie range. Which means the “sauce” that goes onto the pasta cannot be real cheese – because cheese is naturally full of fat and tasty goodness. This is hardly tasty goodness. This is “getting through the day without gnawing off my arm” decency. It’s probably just water with food coloring and cornstarch to thicken it up so you think it’s cheese. It’s the placebo effect – you think it’s cheese, so therefore you taste cheese. I bet it might actually taste more like macaroni and cheese if I put Easy Cheese on it.

Well, there’s an idea … excuse me, I think it’s time to make a trip to Kroger.