Under normal circumstances I’d leave well enough alone – I’d skip this altogether because I don’t want to admit that I clicked the link. But come on, the headline “Michael Lohan: ‘God wants me to’ open rehab center” was just too much for me to ignore. Besides, you all know I’m a pop culture junkie by now, and if you don’t know that, then, well, you haven’t been paying attention.
It’s laughable that Michael Lohan, of all people, wants to open a rehab center. You remember, the same Michael Lohan that spent some time in jail, who tries to benefit off his daughter as much as possible, the guy who allegedly hit his wife (and Dina is just as delusional in her own ways, so don’t think I’m thinking she’s the perfect parent because she’s not). So, you expect me to believe that people are going to pay big bucks to get treatment and therapy from a guy who has enough problems that we could resurrect Freud and still not touch the tip of the iceberg.
"After seeing what my daughter, myself and other people I know have been through, it has led me to realize this is my calling and purpose in life," he tells Us.
Translation: “After seeing what my daughter, myself and other people I know have been through, and how much we paid in court-ordered therapy, it has led me to realize that this is the way I’m going to make bank.”
Lohan explains that the center will not employ doctors or conventional medical treatment ("that will be done at an associated hospital"). Instead, he states, "we are rehab that focuses on mind, body and soul. It is a spiritual retreat."
Of course it won’t employ doctors and conventional medical treatment, that might give it some sort of credibility, and we sure as hell don’t want that.
You know, a spiritual retreat can be a good thing. But if it involves snakes and headless chickens, run away. Run far, far away.
And the as-yet-unnamed "retreat" won't cater to rich, VIP clientele, he points out. "I'm not going to close my doors on anyone. We may offer a scholarship [to those in need]," he explains. "You don't have to be Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie or Robert Downey Jr. or a celebrity to get rehab."
But if Lindsay or Robert Downey, Jr. come to my doors, I won’t turn them away. In fact, I might charge them double.
Estranged from his four kids, he says, "all I want to [do] is open this place and see my family, Dina and my children are in a good place. When that day comes, I am done, I am finished."
Yeah, um, right. Let’s point out how great a father and husband you are here, buddy.
"All of the things that have happened to me in my life have led to this. I know this is what God wants me to do first and foremost."
Perhaps the signs were pointing to the fact you need therapy and treatment, not that you need to provide it to others. I’m just saying.
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