First of all, I want you all to know how painful it is for me to link to a story published in the *shudder* Kentucky Kernel, the sorry excuse for a student paper at UK. But Trysh, didn’t you have stuff published in the Kernel? Yes, yes I did – but because it was mandatory to do so to pass my reporting class, not because I wanted to be affiliated with the publication. Plus, being that I spent a majority of my time in the same building in which they run the Kernel, I know many of the derelicts who worked for/wrote for the paper. I can only hope that it operates better, and features better-quality writing, than it did 10 years ago. (Jesus, was it really that long ago? Well, 1998-2002 and 2005-2007, so, yeah, that’s within my dates at UK. Wow I’m getting old.) Besides, it is a fun way to go all elitist-reporter, which always makes me feel better on a Monday.
A fight at a popular off-campus restaurant put five people in the hospital early Sunday.
Let’s get one thing straight. Tolly-Ho is only popular because it’s a) cheap and b) it’s open all night. Okay, okay, and maybe the cheddar tots.
Lexington Police responded to Tolly Ho after receiving reports of a “rather large fight” at 3:12 a.m., Lt. Chris Van Brackle said.
I love it, a “rather large fight.” It’s so ambiguous. So classic non-experienced-reporterish to use that phrase as opposed to probing the cop for a much better term.
Police arrested two people for disorderly conduct.
Only two? From a “rather large fight”? Hmmm ….
“Five people were sent to the hospital with head injuries,” Van Brackle said. “A couple of employees went to the hospital, but no UK students were injured.”
Well, as long as no UK students were injured, that’s all we care about. Kentucky Kernel reporter out.
Of the employees that went to the hospital, one suffered broken ribs while the other received staples in his head, Van Brackel said. All five victims were released from the hospital Sunday.
Staples in his head – I’m baffled by this. Did he go to the hospital because someone attacked him with a stapler, or was the damage so bad he required something stronger than stitches to close it up? I’m guessing the latter, but you see the point I’m making here. And seriously, if you had to have staples put in your head, you get to leave the next day? Wow, let’s hear it for drive-thru healthcare. (Thanks Obama!)
Alcohol was a likely factor, Van Brackel said.
No way. Really? If you didn’t go to UK, let me fill you in on a truth about Tolly Ho. You do not go to “the Ho” after dark unless you are drunk. End of story. Believe me, I can tell you many stories about drunken stumbles across campus to make our customary alcohol-induced-cheddar-tot-run. (If it was early enough, we stopped at K-Lair for chili along the way. Hey, why not? It’s all going to come back up later, so the calories don’t count!)
By the way, Mom, in case you’re reading this, I was the sober one chaperoning the drunks across campus. Really. I swear.
Police are investigating to see if weapons were involved.
Believe me, no weapons were necessary. There’s enough grease in that food that no one was operating at full speed. In fact, projectile vomit was probably a key “weapon” in this “rather large fight.”
Several Holmes Hall residents witnessed the aftermath of the altercation.
Of course they did, they were watching the whole thing from their windows. No one got a better view than the residents of Holmes. Nothing like stating the obvious.
“There was a girl stumbling outside holding her side,” sophomore Decora Martin said. “There was a man holding the side of his head with blood running down it.”
Decora sounds like a girl’s name. Holmes is an all-male dorm. Hmmm … sounds like someone was getting a little something-something.
ANYWAY … back to playing the elitist-reporter. These are seriously some of the most idiotic quotes the reporter could have used. Obviously didn’t want to ask anyone else, so he ran with it. I love the “man holding the side of his head with blood running down it.” Wow, so descriptive. And after a fight, shocking, isn’t it?
Martin counted 22 police cars, two fire trucks and three ambulances.
Wow, Martin can count. Good thing, because her public-speaking skills are lacking.
Tolly Ho declined comment.
Of course they did. What are they going to say?
I heard from another source (read: comment on story on a friend's Facebook page) that the fight was started by a couple Georgia fans. So, they were offended because they got called out as “Ho virgins.” Yeah, well, we all gotta deal with it (though I think I successfully avoided it, but I can’t remember, it’s been awhile and remember, you don’t eat there sober). But come on, I know being a Georgia fan and a Ho virgin is a double-whammy, but that’s no need to take it out on us!
No comments:
Post a Comment