WHAT??!?!?! Justin Bieber's not gay?

It’s been awhile since I satisfied my worthless celebrity pop culture quota, so here we go … and on tap for today, we are taking direct aim at Justin Bieber.

Let me say this much, I know very little about Justin Bieber. Mainly because I am too old, and my kid is too young, for him to be important in our lives. I do, however, know this much: he’s apparently a singer, he has an awful haircut, and an amazing teenybopper following. It’s kind of like the Jonas Brothers (who are 2000’s version of Hanson), only there’s only one of them.

Justin Bieber in incident at laser tag center
Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber, who is in the Vancouver area for a concert on Tuesday, was kicked out of a laser tag facility in British Columbia on Friday night, the owner of the venue tells CBC News.
Oh the travesty. Now, one must ask, why couldn’t Bieber pull the “Do you know who I am,” card while writing a check to keep this from happening – or at the very least hitting the tabloids. Then again, if it did, I wouldn’t have anything to write about this morning, so I must be thankful for that.

Bieber, 16, was sent away after a 12-year-old boy complained to staff he was hit by the singer, according to the report.
Wow, okay, where do I go with this one? First off, you’re 16, he’s 12. You’re not on the same playing field – he’s still in middle school. It is not okay for high school kids to beat up on middle school kids unless they share the same bloodline. Period, end of story.

Furthermore, what do you think your legion of teenyboppers are going to think about this? Actually, I know how this will end up – the girls who swoon will still swoon and say he was justified. The parents of said girls will be pissed, will raise a stink, and tell their daughters they don’t like them idolizing this jerk and therefore they can’t go to the next Justin Bieber concert, whereupon said teenybopper girls will scream, “You just don’t love me, do you,” as they slam their bedroom doors behind them.

Bieber reportedly arrived with bodyguards and was playing a game with about a dozen other individuals. The facility's staff said Bieber was being followed around and was heavily targeted during the game.

Okay, first of all, he arrived with bodyguards. Well, let’s draw attention to ourselves, why don’t we?

Second of all, why didn’t you let your bodyguards “take care” of that annoying kid? Isn’t that what you pay them for? God, what a moron.

Finally, “Bieber was being followed around and was heavily targeted during the game.” YA THINK????? Of course he was. Who wouldn’t want to go home from a rousing game of laser tag with the bragging rights of, “I shot Justin Bieber.” I know I would. That would be my Facebook status from now until the end of time!

Police are investigating an assault involving a boy, 12, that took place at the center on Friday night. TMZ has an account of the incident that involves a 12-year-old stating repeated homophobic slurs aimed at Bieber at the facility.
Ohh, so the kid was provoking Bieber. Imagine that. Come on, now, that’s what you do when you get around someone famous. Well, no, there’s one of two things – you either fall all over yourself with the “I love you, can I have your babies” thing or you hurl insults. Do you think I’d be calm and composed if I interacted with LeAnn Rimes? Hell no, I wouldn’t. I’d tell her to her face I think she sounds like a dying cat and she just needs to ride off into the sunset.

Now, as for the homophobic slurs aimed at Bieber – come on, look at this guy. You cannot tell me that your gaydar doesn’t go on overload when you look at him. Honestly. Yeah, you can tell me you saw the headlines that he was out with his girlfriend, but we all know better. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. Just admit it. (You hear me Kenny Chesney?)

UPDATE: TMZ reports that Bieber plans to get involved in an anti-bullying campaign as he now knows firsthand (even though he's not gay) how hurtful homophobic comments can be.
Wow, kudos to Bieber’s publicist to spin this into his campaign for a worthy cause. Sheesh. Yeah, heaven forbid you take up the cause because it’s right, you only take it up after you realized “how hurtful homophobic comments” can be. What a douche. I mean, yeah, it’s a great cause and more people need to get involved with it – though, it’s truthfully sad that it even has to be a “cause,” because in all honesty, people should know better. But that’s another issue for another day – and having heartfelt comments like that really detracts from the insults I’m throwing at Justin Bieber today.