All you need is love ... and pistols, and a washed-up singing career

Before I start, I just want to give a shout-out to TMZ.com. They gave me all the info for this blog post, and for that, I’m entirely grateful.

Ahhh, don’t we just love worthless celebrities? Enter Shania Twain.

Sha-nay-nay … oh, Sha-nay-nay. The things I remember about you … your real name is Eileen, you sing bubble-gum-pop-country, songs that you write that have the most trite rhymes EVER, but you dress sexy in the videos and that’s what made you famous. (Come on, let’s deny it.)

You got pregnant with your son, and refused to be seen in public because, heaven forbid, someone see you larger than your precious size 2. God I hate you.

Oh, I went to your concert and your show is all pomp, no substance. I mean, are you really that insecure that in order to get people to come to your shows, you go recruit a local marching band in every city you’re in? (Yep, Green Run’s was featured when she played Virginia Beach in 1999.)

But there’s my favorite … you were married to Mutt Lange. Mutt – yeah. Come on, look at that wedding picture, that’s a keeper. Woot! Come on, how did you not know your marriage was doomed from the start?

But, years later, you found out Mutt was cheating on you with your best friend! Gasp. He leaves you. Or you leave him. Whatever, either way, his boots are under her bed now.

And whose boots are under yours? Your best friend’s ex-husband. Wow, what a coincidence!

So, in December 2010, you post this sap-filled comment on your website:
"I am excited to share some personal news with you;  I'm in love!  Frederic Nicolas Thiebaud has been a true gift to me as a compassionate, understanding friend and over time, an amazing love has blossomed from this precious friendship.  Fred and I are happy to announce, our ENGAGEMENT!"

Wow, Shania, that doesn’t seem the least bit forced/fake/reeking of PR whitewash. I mean “an amazing love has blossomed from this precious friendship” – who the hell talks like that? This is not the 18th century. And yes, my inner Grammar Nazi's head wants to explode thanks to the wonderful comma splice in the last sentence, thanks for asking.

Look at the picture, he just looks like a douche ... and she looks so thrilled to be at that ball game with him, doesn't she?

Amazingly enough, as it turns out, you had been engaged for two months when you finally posted that. Wow, I love celebrities who try to hold out for their re-emergence of 15-minutes of fame. Why hold out? Because apparently she planned to get married in January and she didn’t want too much time to elapse between her engagement announcement and the wedding for her to fade back into obscurity.

From TMZ:
The pair were married at a private mansion in Rincon, PR. Last night, the guests were treated to a private fireworks show. After the couple exchanged their vows, the entire wedding sang the song, “All You Need Is Love.” We’re told Shania sang at the reception afterward.

Fireworks? The entire wedding sang “All You Need Is Love”? O.M.G. Over the top much?
Oh, and for the record, for a woman who holds onto the fact she’s Canadian like a badge of honor, but then retreats to Sweden, it seems a bit strange you’d get married in Puerto Rico.

But wait, more information emerges (once again, thanks to TMZ) about the wedding in Puerto Rico…

Shania Twain didn't exactly have a shotgun wedding yesterday in Puerto Rico ... but it sure was a pistol -- as in what the guards were packing on the beach during the ceremony.

A guy who lives near the mansion where Twain tied the knot tells TMZ he stumbled upon the nuptials at the beach ... and was quickly shooed away by several armed security guards.

In the video you can see an a guard with a pistol tucked in his belt roaming back and forth while the ceremony goes on behind him.
Elitist reporter note: “see an a guard…” WHAT THE HELL? Did you start to say “see an armed guard,” but think better of it? For shame.

We're told the security was so tight, if you wanted to walk past the wedding... you had to go into the ocean to get around.

Beats getting shot.

Really, she had to have security that tight at her wedding? In Puerto Rico? That no one knew was going on? Are you that full of yourself?

Of course she is – look at the wedding picture – she’s in a white dress. Doesn’t she know that you’re not supposed to get all dolled up like that for your second wedding? At least not in white, anyway. I guess it’s not completely white, so it doesn’t count.

But back to the armed security … really? Was that necessary? Does anyone really hate (or even care about) Sha-nay-nay that much? Or were you worried that your former-best friend (and your now-husband’s ex) and your ex (her now-whatever he is) were going to show up? Don’t flatter yourself.