Faruk Ucrut: Marketing fails abound

I am not a marketing person. In fact, I really think marketing is the devil. (Many apologies, Bethany.) I mean, PR is the same way. You are spinning lies to make some POS product/company look enticing. It’s straight-up the world of the devil. (Side note, so is some reporting, which is one of many reasons I’m not working in a newsroom these days.)

That being said, when I was unemployed, did I apply for marketing jobs? Yeah – of course, any port in a storm. And, truthfully, with the exception of my bluntness, I’d be great at marketing. I’m creative enough. I *think* I can write well enough. I can definitely find a way to tie it all together and make it look pretty. And I can even come up with great plans. For example – if I ever open my bakery, I want to put coupons inside fortune cookies – homemade fortune cookies, of course – and use that as a marketing scheme; free cookie and a coupon for your next purchase, score!

Enough … allow me to get to my point. Stupid marketing campaigns. I’m not talking bad commercials with irritating jingles that get stuck in your head despite the fact you hate them. (“Tire Dis-count-ters” and the “phantom tire buyer with a secret identity” anyone?)

No, my point is those poor people you see driving down the road. You know the ones I’m talking about – the ones who drew the short straw and are stuck outside acting like fools to get your attention. Like this guy – dressed as the Statue of Liberty to advertise tax services.

You really gotta feel sorry for these people. For a number of reasons, the first and foremost being answering the question, “What do you do for a living?”

“Well, I’m in advertising. I dress up as a chick and stand on the street corner.” Uh huh. Sure you do.

We had the poor idiot out on the corner advertising Cici’s Pizza in Georgetown. He looked like a complete fool, for oh so many reasons. First of all, to survive the boredom, he had headphones in and he’d dance around. I mean, I can understand it, but he looked like he was disturbed if you didn’t notice the headphones. (And if you paid close attention, he had an old-school 90’s discman. Hehehe, I didn’t know anyone used those anymore. Nor did I think it would work if you were jumping around.) Even worse than all that, he would take a Guitar Hero guitar and rock out to the music in his head. Yeah, he looked like he fell off his rocker. He sure wasn’t driving the business into Cici’s either, because they closed down in Georgetown too. Apparently people thought they might catch his brand of crazy if they ate there.

We also have the poor saps who are stuck out there advertising the $5 Hot-N-Ready pizza at Little Caesar’s. With the ratty orange arrow sign that is falling apart from all the man-handling the guys did, spinning it around and trying to be impressive. The guy even gave up the sign for awhile and juggled on the street corner. There’s this other guy who would point at your car and then point in the direction of Little Caesar’s, like a) he was directing traffic and b) you had no idea where it was and c) you were going to change your plans just because of this jackass standing on the road.

The worst is really the guy who I saw outside today, holding the sign for Fitness 19 in 23 degree weather. That’s 23 Fahrenheit, not Celsius, people. That’s like nine degrees BELOW freezing. There’s snow on the ground. Inches of it, in fact. No human should be made to do that. That, my friends, is punishment – not a job. And let me tell you, I am not going to patronize a business that forces its employees to stand out in the freezing cold advertising $9 a month gym memberships. Not unless they have to meet some sort of membership quota to get their poor employees off the streets – and not even then, because, well, I won’t succumb to their evil marketing schemes. I guess the only real advantage is that this particular corner these employees have to stand on is only a block away from the hospital, so once the frostbite sets in, they can quickly be rushed to St. Joe’s East to have their extremities amputated.

Enough of the crazy people on the side of the road, I may have beaten that horse to death. Oh, man, I live in horse country – there’s a marketing scheme I’m sure some sicko will try doing to gain attention. Shoot, what better way to encourage foot traffic than to beat a horse out in front of your store. People will come in bitching about your animal cruelty and in the middle of their argument will see a pair of shoes they just have to have, and there you have it. Another *shock and awe* marketing campaign successful.

Okay, we’ve gone to one end of the spectrum – how about this one? I was driving behind a van today for “Settles Drywall.” Here’s a hint of advice me to any future entrepreneurs: Even if that’s your name, don’t ever, EVER name a company “Settles.” Nothing like making people feel like you’re just there when they just can’t do any better.

“Thank you for calling ‘Just Good Enough Incorporated,’ how can we just barely keep from pissing you off today?”

I mean, really. No one wants to settle for a crappy man, they sure as hell don’t want to settle for a crappy handy man either. You don’t even need a marketing degree to realize someone really needs a name change, and quickly. It’s a complete rebranding, STAT!! And I won’t settle for less either.

And now, just for fun, just a few Marketing Fails from the interwebs ...