We have an infestation of monsters ... "way better than cock-a-roaches"

Apparently, we have an infestation of monsters in our house. It must have happened when I canceled the regular visit by the Orkin man. I guess $74 every two months isn’t all that expensive when you consider a monster infestation and the ramifications.

I don’t see the monsters, but I know they are there. Munchkin tells me so. She screams and screams until someone comes up there, and she says they are in the window. Covering up the window didn’t help. However, as of Sunday, we have become EXPERT monster hunters. There are no more monsters in our house. (Unfortunately, Munchkin is still afraid they will get in, so she hasn’t slept by herself since clearing out this nasty infestation.)

But I do feel obligated to share my story – because if a monster infestation can happen to us, it can happen to anyone.

Here’s what you need to know – monsters apparently get in through the windows, they love (and I mean LOVE) to live in toddler beds, and they are scared of things that are purple and butterflies. (Unless they are “fabulous” monsters, but that’s a whole separate kind of infestation.)

Steps one and two – Replace the toddler bed and purchase monster-repelling bedding for new bed

The sad part about this step is that it is a) the most expensive and b) the most time-consuming because you have to wait for it to be delivered. The key, your child must jump on many beds before choosing the perfect, monster-free bed. It is essential. Ask your child many times if this is the right bed. You’d hate to rid your house of monsters – spend a lot of money on a new bed – just to have the monsters come right on in with the new mattress.

You must, and I repeat must, purchase monster-repelling bedding. Seeing as how they like to live in beds, you must make the new one as awful as possible for them. We went with super-strength bedding as well – purple and with butterflies.

Step three – Pick out monster-repelling curtains

Because monsters can effectively slip in through the window, we must make sure the window is fully covered by the appropriate monster-repelling curtains. Your child must make sure they meet the most recent monster-repelling guidelines. See our monster-repelling curtains – super-strength as they are purple AND feature butterflies. You can never be too careful when dealing with those silly monsters.

Step four – Declare all windows and doors monster-free zones

Seeing as how monsters get in through the windows – and because they are afraid of butterflies, it only make sense that you must eliminate any possible monster re-entry by placing a butterfly sticker on each and every window in the house. This certifies that window is secure and no monsters can get in.

Although those sneaky monsters primarily use the windows, sometimes they like to sneak in behind you while you’re going in and out the doors. Therefore, you should also place a sticker on all doors to make sure they are secure and monsters won’t be trying to sneak in. (We used stars on the doors. Because you can’t just use butterflies, that’s over-accessorizing which is a no-no.)

Step five – Spray all windows and doors with monster repellent

Monster repellent is a necessity. Luckily for me, the guy at Wal-Mart knew just where to go to get a spray bottle that was made just for monster repellent. So, we got one, and we filled it with homemade monster repellent. (Water and purple food coloring seems to work the best. Don’t forget the food coloring – otherwise they will just slip right on by. You just can’t have that.) As you certify all windows and doors to be monster-free zones, you must spray the repellent to seal said windows and doors. You can never be too careful.

In our house, we also sprayed the top of the stairs, so if any monsters managed to get in on the ground floor, they couldn’t get to Munchkin’s room. No worries, the dogs will take care of any and all monsters trapped on the ground floor. Especially Tona. No one messes with the Munchkin but her!

Step six – Put on purple pajamas

Seeing as how monsters don’t like purple, you can never be too careful, so you must make sure the person worried about monsters is wearing purple pajamas. Those monsters don’t stand a chance!!!

Step seven – Add the new monster-repelling night light

Monsters hate hippies (just like Eric Cartman). Hey, who knew? So … if you have a purple and pink lava lamp, there’s no way those evil monsters will get anywhere close to your little one. It’s just a fact.

Step eight – Add a monster saber

If these extra protective measures (and we took every one there was, but you can never be too safe) don’t work – make sure there is a monster saber handy. The particular one we have lights up both blue and red, just in case those monsters are from the Dark Side or just bring the Force. Nothing kills a monster faster than a hit from a monster saber. Period. End of story.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.