Who needs work? All you need is a half-assed stay in rehab

In light of recent events in Arizona (of which I have an opinion – I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t) I think we need a reprieve from the shocking and horrible news out there. Just know that I don’t live under a rock and I do know it happened. I just do not want to go there right now, nor do I want to turn my blog into a liberal vs. conservative hater comment board like all the news stories. Who cares about partisan politics right now when people died unnecessarily (including an innocent child and a Federal judge)? Seriously – let’s get a grip.

And now onto more tongue-in-cheek kind of things!


Lindsay Lohan's Post-Rehab Gift: a $25,000 Necklace

If the threat of more jail time doesn't keep Lindsay Lohan straight, maybe this will.
Really? This is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about. If a lucrative career as a crappy actress and dating Jared Leto or Jude Law can’t keep her straight, nothing will. (Yes, I had to do research to find someone even remotely worth a damn in her dating history, and straight, to make the joke work – and I’m ashamed to admit I actually did research on Lindsay Lohan.)

Looking happy and healthy, the recently rehabbed starlet, 24, showed off some heart-shaped bling around her neck in L.A. Friday morning – a sort of keep-up-the-good-work gift.
Happy and healthy? Really, I think she looks a bit stoned. But, hey, what do I know. Maybe this is happy and healthy for her.

Keep up the good work doing what? Beating employees of rehab centers?

The actress's pal Pascal Mouawad – the famous jewelry designer behind Nicole Richie's House of Harlowe line – gave the Mean Girls starlet the 10-carat diamond Rosette necklace, estimated to be worth $25,000.
Wow, can I be friends with Pascal Mouawad? I don’t want the necklace, I’d totally hock it in a heartbeat, but who couldn’t use an extra $25,000? (Okay, rhetorical question, I can rattle off a long list of people who couldn’t.)

"Lindsay is looking great, she has a positive attitude, and we are looking forward to an amazing 2011 spending a lot of time together," Mouawad, 38, tells PEOPLE.
Hmmm, spending a lot of time together … like, with plate-glass between you? Cause, you know that’s where she’s going to end up (again) before the end of 2011.

Even though Mouawad says Lohan is "really driven with her career right now," a source close to the duo says, "The two have no plans to work together professionally."
Lindsay Lohan is driven with two things – where to score some blow, and avoiding jailtime for said hit. That’s really about it. 

Adds the source, "Lindsay is dear to Pascal's heart, and he thinks she is headed down the right path. He wants to keep her going in that positive direction."
Lindsay is dear to Pascal’s heart? I bet she is close to some other organ of his, but it’s not his heart. *rimshot*

And what positive direction is he promoting? Getting shit-faced while at Betty Ford and beating the crap out of an employee? Yeah, let’s encourage that behavior.

Dear Pascal: If you’re promoting good behavior by giving out free jewelry, I’d like to inform you that I am a good person, and I have never violated probation. In fact, I’ve never been to jail, never been on probation, and I’ve never even been taken to court (unless I went willingly – like to settle an estate matter or to report on a case). I deserve way more than a $25,000 necklace for such great behavior in my life. If you’re interested, please let me know and I’ll give you details on how to get my jewelry to me. Thanks! Sincerely, Me