By Request: “As Seen On TV” crap I won’t own

As we were in the surgery waiting room today, a commercial for Pajama Jeans came on, and we all sort of circled around the room making fun of them, agreeing that they were nothing short of ridiculous. Just like “jeggings” (leggings that look like skinny jeans). Which prompted Scott to ask me to write a blog of “As Seen On TV” stuff I wouldn’t touch.

I spent a little too much time on the “As Seen On TV” site looking at stuff. I just picked some of my favorites to include here. Believe me, if you ever have some time to kill and want a good laugh, spend some time clicking the links on this poorly-designed site. You may regret it later, but as long as you resist the urge to buy something, you’ll get a good laugh or two.

Pajama Jeans

There are not enough words in the world for me to express how much I hate these – and the commercial.

First of all, the one chick they show laying on the bed to zip up her jeans. Yeah, sweetheart, don’t flatter yourself, just buy the next size up and you’ll be okay. You don’t need Pajama Jeans honey.

For $39.95 plus shipping I could go to Kohl’s and buy a couple pairs of Levi’s. I could go to Wal-Mart and buy three pairs of whatever brand they sell these days.

Plus, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my ass to look any more badonadonk than it already does. I do not want Pajama Jeans to enhance my already large ass.

Alright, now here’s the thing … when you want to look like you’re wearing jeans, just freakin’ wear jeans. If you want to wear jammy pants, wear jammy pants. These are the wanna-bes of pants, and no one likes wanna-bes.

Slanket

Umm, yeah, I didn’t like this the first time I saw it, when it was called the Snuggie.










 Batter Pro

85% off! Buy one get one free. Damn it, just give them away! I’m sure you can add them as the “but wait, there’s more” to some other worthless item on the site.

The fact of the matter is, it says “no more waste.” I got news for you – if you’re breading raw meat, or anything else, you cannot reuse the breading. Period, end of story. So whatever extra ends up in the bottom still needs to be thrown away. Don’t let the “As Seen on TV” people fool you, salmonella still exists, and it can still kill you.



Amazing Cucumber Vine

 Grow your own long, slender, crispy cucumbers. ‘Nuff said. I do believe this is targeted to a very niche audience.









TV Hat

Right, because heaven forbid you go out and get away from the TV for any length of time. But, I guess the comforting fact of the matter is, those losers are insanely easy to spot. It’s like VR goggles only without being cool.

High Reach Cleaning Kit

Now you can reach where your dust cloth cannot.

You know, or you can use a ladder.








FM Radio Pen

No longer available. Shocked I am. Cause nothing screams cool like earphones coming out of your pen.

Flamingo Toilet Set

You know, if I walked into someone’s guest bathroom and saw this toilet set, I think I might run away screaming. Pink flamingos are only okay in your yard, on a stake, and as a joke. If you think they are a suitable decoration, please contact your closest mental health provider at the earliest moment possible.

Fart Machine #2

Blows the original Fart Machine away! Ha, what marketing genius came up with that one? Because a whoopee cushion just isn’t stupid enough, let’s go with a battery-operated and remote-controlled fart machine. Will the next model come out with smell?

D’Eva Bra

Yeah, uhm, they are called pasties and I guarantee if I need them, I am not buying them off an infomercial.








$50 Buffalo Gold Piece

$50 1877 Gold Half Union

Okay, really, you want me to believe that, for a mere $19.95 I can own a gold coin worth $50? That doesn’t raise the *oh, holy crap, something is wrong here* radar? Trust me, they’d be losing money hand over fist if they truly were selling it for less than it was worth. Here’s a shock, they are probably selling it for about $19.90 more than it’s worth. Who’s the sucker now? Think I’m kidding? Look – it marries some of my favorite things – stupid people and worthless lawsuits.

Watch Phone
Gadget of the Year!

Just plug in your SIM card to this watch and you can talk to your friends. Because you won’t look like:
a) an idiot
b) a wanna-be spy
c) a throwback to Penny on Inspector Gadget
d) all of the above when you talk to your watch.

Look, you get $10 off if you buy more than one, so you can get one for your dog so you can totally be like Penny.

Because, apparently, it’s too difficult to wear a watch and carry a phone, so we need to merge the two. I don’t know about you, but I’ve sort of abandoned a watch and just use my phone to tell the time. Plus I get a whole mess of other features, like camera, video, internet, text, downloadable games/apps that will distract the toddler in a pinch, a checkbook register, and even a Magic 8 Ball for when I just have to predict the future. So, yeah, I’d like to see your $99.95 As Seen On TV Watch Phone do that. Suck it, Watch Phone.




One Second Plumber

I include this only to ask Jason where on earth this was before the great auger incident. I mean, come on, you know if we had seen an infomercial for this, we so could have solved the problem instantaneously … in one-second, as a matter of fact. /sarcasm

Maybe the tagline should be - the plumber, without the crack!

The fact of the matter is, Draino is cheaper. It works. You can get it at Wal-Mart. You can even get a generic at Dollar Tree. Best of all, you don’t have to pay shipping for Draino, AND wait for it to get there AND tolerate some irritating infomercial spokesperson.