Atlanta (WXIA) -- "I am very, very blessed," says Jazz Ison Sinkfield, a mother and grandmother with a story to tell.
Let’s just throw this out there – everyone has a story to tell. Not all of them are interesting.
Elitist reporter note: This has seriously got to be one of the lamest leads to a story (and I use the term story quite loosely) I have ever seen.
"One day, I want to meet Oprah," she says. "And a lot of more celebrities. And I just want them to hear my story."
Oprah’s retiring honey, she doesn’t want to hear any one else’s stories. She’s had enough. Besides, why do you only want celebrities to hear your story? Are those of us who can’t give you fifteen minutes of fame not good enough for you?
The southwest Atlanta woman expects her story to make her famous, allowing her to share what she calls her divine gift.
Again with the story. I hope it’s good. Oh, and a divine gift. Wow. Did you make a grilled cheese one day with the picture of Jesus burned into it? (Wait, been there, done that.) Did you see the virgin Mary in your tree stump out front? (Wait, been there, done that.) Did you find tablets of gold bearing the teachings of a new religion? (Wait, been there, done that too.) Wow, this has got to be good…
The gift: Jazz Ison Sinkfield's fingernails. They represent an ongoing project of 22 years. The longest of them is 24 inches.
Fingernails? WHAT. THE. HELL? A story and divine gift that’s going to allow her to meet Oprah and it’s her fingernails? Wow, that’s got to the biggest let-down since Plymouth Rock.
Editor's Note: Yes, I'm well aware there are a number of "jazz hands" and or "spirit fingers" jokes here - I'm intentionally steering away from them. Come on, it's no fun if you go for the obvious jokes, is it?
A gift and a talent? Really? Let’s dissect.
A gift is something you are given, in the hopes that it will make you happy and/or better your life or those around you. The only person’s life I see being bettered is the sap making $50 an hour to paint those atrocities.
Talent? Growing your nails is a talent because “not everyone can do it.” Not everyone wants to do it – mine get too long, I get pissed and bite them off. (Ironically enough because longer nails hinder my typing speed, and I need to be able to type so I can go off on people like this!)
When I read that, only one thing ran through my head, the following conversation from the movie “Keeping The Faith.”
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Look at the bottom.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh. She has a skills section.
Anna Riley: Yes?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, you win. She put jogging as a skill.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: See? She doesn't even know the difference between a hobby and a skill.
Occasionally, she says, people see her nails and make ugly remarks. "The women will turn their nose up to me," she says. "Some people are jealous," she adds with utter seriousness.
Oh, there are not enough ugly remarks in my arsenal to cover those nails. But believe me, the ugly remarks don’t come spewing because I’m jealous. In fact, it’s because it’s downright gross.
"I feel as if you can be entitled to your opinions but don't be mean about it."
I feel as if you can be entitled to your fashion statement, but don’t shove it in my face and use it as an excuse to meet Oprah.
She believes most women desire extra-long nails like hers, "because it's a fashion statement now."
In what alternate universe are 24-inch long nails a fashion statement? And, might I add, she is hardly a rebel – a very quick (and non-intensive) Google search revealed countless examples, including this one – in which the nails were 38-inches long. So there. Suck it.
Furthermore, I went to Ripley’s years and years ago and there was an exhibit about someone’s crazy-long fingernails – I remember they were painted yellow and black. But, yeah, this is hardly original, sweetheart. Time to go crawl back in your hole and come up with your next attempt at fifteen minutes of fame. Hey, I know, why don’t you have yourself implanted with nine embryos and surpass Octomom.
Jazz Ison Sinkfield backs her fashion statement with regular visits to the Exotic Nail and Spa on Cascade Road. Her nail tech is Rose Nguyen. Her maintenance is a monthly project that takes five hours and costs $250.
Wow, $250 that she could be using to pay her bills, or buy gifts for her grandbabies, or hey – even learning a real talent like playing piano or something.
"It's easy to get messed up," said Nguyen, looking at her client's twisting fingernails.
You think?
"They tangle up," said Jazz Ison Sinkfield.
Thank you Captain Obvious. And the award for most idiotic statement of 2011 goes to …
And maintenance is also about avoidance of the hazards that can threaten her ongoing fashion statement.
Wait, wait, maybe this one deserves the idiotic statement award. Anyone who has ever had fingernails of any length knows this.
"There isn't anything that I can't do. The only thing I can't do is, I cannot tie shoes," said Sinkfield. She adds she cannot type on a computer, nor go bowling.
Wait, that’s it. We have a winner. Ding, ding, ding. The most idiotic statement of 2011! There isn’t anything I can’t do … well, except this. And this. And this.
"Of course, I don't take off the jewelry," she said, gesturing to her rings and bracelets, which would have to traverse her 20-inch nails to come off.
“Of course, I don’t give a damn,” I said, gesturing to her rings and bracelets. “I just want to make fun of your 20-inch nails.”
Now … let’s revisit part of this, shall we? Let’s take a look at the “There isn’t anything I can’t do” comment. I have a feeling there are way more than just the three things she listed that she can’t do.
- Wipe her butt was, quite honestly, the first thing that came to my mind, gross as it may be.
- Having spent years under car hoods replacing car batteries and breaking what measly excuse for nails I had, I’m thinking car maintenance of just about any kind is out.
- I’m thinking nursing is not a valid career path for this woman. Or food preparation. Or anything that remotely involves any sort of sanitary conditions and/or latex gloves (or gloves of any sort).
- Forget about picking your nose. There’s an instant lobotomy.
- One of my favorite shows is Hoarders – yeah, I can’t see this woman being one of those “extreme cleaning specialists.” Gasp, she might break a nail! (Hmm, makes you wonder if her house is in need of a visit from A&E. AND if she has a hoarding disorder involving her nails.)
- Oh, any sort of electrical work could prove extremely dangerous. Do fingernails conduct electricity? Only … bzzz… one … bzzz … way …bzzz … to … bzzz … find … bzzz … out.
- Cosmetology is out. She’s not going to be cutting anyone’s hair, doing anyone’s makeup and/or nails with those things. Nor would anyone be willing to let her get close. Can you imagine how tangled up those nails will get in someone’s extensions? No, thank you.
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