Eastern cougars, like Tuesday, are now gone

"What, me, extinct? But I'm right here and I'm cute!!!"

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service concludes eastern cougar extinct

Although the eastern cougar has been on the endangered species list since 1973, its existence has long been questioned.
So, wait, older women going after younger men was on the endangered species list? Stifler’s mom, anyone? I call shenanigans.

Yeah, and, so was the coelacanth. But guess what, it’s still around. Why is this a big deal? And why is this a compelling lead?

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (Service) conducted a formal review of the available information and, in a report issued today, concludes the eastern cougar is extinct and recommends the subspecies be removed from the endangered species list.
What the heck constitutes a formal review?

“Hey, Bubba, go look out the window over here – see any eastern cougars?”
“Nope.”
“Alright, Bubba, go look out the other window. Any out there?”
“Nope.”
“It’s extinct, case closed.”

“We recognize that many people have seen cougars in the wild within the historical range of the eastern cougar,” said the Service’s Northeast Region Chief of Endangered Species Martin Miller.  “However, we believe those cougars are not the eastern cougar subspecies. We found no information to support the existence of the eastern cougar.”
There is no evidence to support the existence of the eastern cougar. Ever? So why are you marking it extinct if it never existed? Shoot, why don’t you go ahead and list the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot as extinct given that rationale.

Reports of cougars observed in the wild examined during the review process described cougars of other subspecies, often South American subspecies, that had been held in captivity and had escaped or been released to the wild, as well as wild cougars of the western United States subspecies that had migrated eastward to the Midwest.
See, this is the problem with subspecies, you can’t tell what they are. Why do we have to have Midwest cougars and eastern cougars? Why must we discriminate and alienate? They’re all just cougars. Can’t we all just get along? You’re just promoting hatred, stereotypes and subspecies tension among the cougars. It’s not right!

During the review, the Service received 573 responses to a request for scientific information about the possible existence of the eastern cougar subspecies;
AKA – Bubba sent in 573 pictures asking, “Hey, is this an eastern cougar?”

…conducted an extensive review of U.S. and Canadian scientific literature;
Any U.S. and Canadian scientific literature? I mean, there’s a lot of literature out there that doesn’t pertain to the eastern cougar. No wonder the poor thing is extinct, they were too busy reading random scientific research to notice the cougar at their feet, purring, begging for scraps of food. By the time Bubba looked up (by the way, it’s hard to find scientific research with pictures and small enough words Bubba can understand), the cat decomposed and they just assumed the skeleton was that of a regular cougar.

…and requested information from the 21 States within the historical range of the subspecies.
Why the hell is states capitalized? What information were the states going to provide? “Yep, there was a sighting. Bubba’s cousin noticed it, in fact. Yeehaw. His cousin ain’t here no more. Tried to ride that cougar and she ate him up. She’s a maneater I tell you!”

No States expressed a belief in the existence of an eastern cougar population.
There they go capitalizing state again.

According to Dr. Mark McCollough, the Service’s lead scientist for the eastern cougar, the subspecies of eastern cougar has likely been extinct since the 1930s.
Oh, well, guess what Dr. Mark McCollough, now that the eastern cougar’s extinct (if it even existed), you are out of a job. You should have held out hope until you reached retirement age, and made this grand announcement at the same time you announced your retirement. And then, just for kicks, have an older woman escort you off-stage. Cougars extinct, my ass.

The Service initiated the review as part of its obligations under the Endangered Species Act. The Service will prepare a proposal to remove the eastern cougar from the endangered species list, since extinct animals are not eligible for protection under the Endangered Species Act.
Really, extinct animals don’t warrant protection under the Endangered Species Act. That makes no sense. I mean, come on, long gone dead animals deserve love and protection too!

The proposal will be made available for public comment.
Poor Bubba’s gonna cry. He’s gonna be out of a job too, you know. With it declared extinct, there’s no need for him to check for eastern cougars out the window anymore. This recession is hitting everywhere, isn’t it? Look for Bubba in an unemployment line near you.

The Service's decision to declare the eastern cougar extinct does not affect the status of the Florida panther, another wild cat subspecies listed as endangered.
Well, of course not … eastern cougar, Florida panther, see how they are different? I can’t imagine how anyone with half a brain would even make the jump to assume the Florida panther is affected by this. Unless, of course, the Florida panther only mates with the eastern cougar, and if that’s the case, some scientists aren’t doing their jobs properly.

Though the Florida panther once ranged throughout the Southeast, it now exists in less than five percent of its historic habitat and in only one breeding population of 120 to 160 animals in southwestern Florida.
Does anyone else hear a Morgan Freeman voiceover coming? “March of the Florida Panthers” coming soon to a theater and IMAX near you.