Review: My Vega meal replacement products (AKA I do have tact, really)

It’s always fun to walk around Sam’s Club on the weekends because the little old ladies are out with their free samples of all kinds of good stuff. Shoot, you don’t even need to eat lunch, just go to Sam’s Club, you’ll be stuffed before you leave! (And probably spend way more than you intended, that’s just the way it goes at Sam’s.)

We didn’t go to Sam’s this weekend, we went to Whole Foods. Yay organic food! True to form, they had their people out peddling their brands at Whole Foods too.

We were about done with our trip and heading to the check-out, and I passed a guy with meal replacement bars on a table. Well, I’m always about a decent, quick breakfast, so I stopped. He had three kinds – “original,” “green vibrancy,” and “chocolate.” I tried the chocolate – it was a bit strong, but I choked it down. Then I tried the original, which really wasn’t too bad. It was kind of sweet, he goes, “That’s the agave that sweetens it.” Well, he said agave and something else, but I have since forgotten. See how much of an impression he made? But I picked up one of the “original” bars and put it in my cart.

They also had some powder for meal replacement drinks. Eh, I’m a sucker. There were three flavors: Berry, Natural (which was tropical fruit with a hint of cinnamon) and Chocolate Banana. I opted to try the natural, considering I like Trop-a-Rocka tea, and that’s tropical fruit flavored with cinnamon.

This is not the same
green sludge, but you get
the point.

He gets a little taste-tester cup, and he pours out the natural-flavored shake. What came out of that blue bottle looked like seaweed puree. I am sure Scott read the look on my face, which translated into, “OMG, do I have to drink that?”

I took a sniff. It actually didn’t smell that bad.

I took a tiny taste and said, “It tastes better than it looks.”

The guy goes, “Yeah, they decided to focus on taste first, and looks second.”

Well, dude, here’s the thing … you eat with your eyes too. If something doesn’t look good or smell good, as those are the senses that are engaged before taste, no one will taste it. And I am most certainly not drinking green sludge for breakfast every morning.

Furthermore, the taste was okay. It didn’t gag me right then and there, but I didn’t really want to finish it either, and all I had was about a shot of this stuff. So, I walked away, promising I’d look on the website to buy the stuff. Scott asked if I wanted him to throw the still mostly-full cup away, and I told him there was a trash can back by the bakery. Unfortunately, he had to pass the My Vega guy on the way there and he’s like, “Oh, I’ll take that.” So, yeah, Scott inadvertently ratted me out. Thanks Scott. I was all nice and tactful, for once in my life, and you had to go ruin that one shining moment for me!

But wait – there’s more!

This morning Scott packed up my lunch for me, and threw the bar in there for me to eat for breakfast. I opened it, took a bite. Okay. Tolerable. Definitely not my choice for breakfast every day, but it wasn’t gag-inducing. Until the second bite. For whatever reason I can only handle this bar in one-bite increments. I guess it’s the after-taste combining with the actual taste of it that just about made me throw it out the window. (Why didn’t I, you ask? Because I like birds too much to feed that to them. Maybe I’ll shove it down the throats of the evil geese at work, though.)

I ended up in the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A for breakfast instead. It was his pleasure to serve me. And dammit it was my pleasure to eat my chicken bagel instead of this vegan crap. Note to self, scratch “become a vegan” off the bucket list. Not happening.

Raw, meat-free, gluten-free, soy-free, yummy-free bar My Vega people can bite me. I am an omnivore for a reason, darn it.

I think I'd rather this Vega kick my ass than My Vega.