Scratch working in the unemployment office off the list

Okay, so this is a little late, but better late than never.

We all know I'm unemployed and have been off-and-on for over a year. And it's not for a lack of trying, it's lack of work. But you know, what are you going to do?

Anyway, when I went to request my check on Monday, I got the dreaded, "STOP, you must come in for a review to remain eligible for benefits." I hate eligibility reviews. It's where I have to prove to them that I have, indeed been looking for work. I have to prove that I've applied for at least two jobs a week. Two jobs a week, are you kidding me? I apply for like two a day. Or more.

I learned my lesson last time, never show up right after lunch. Otherwise you'll stand in a super-long line and be herded like unemployed cattle. No thank you. So I went a little later, and luckily didn't have to play a meandering cow this time. I filled out my form, and waited for one of the overly-enthusiastic employees to help me.

I got this guy named Brandon, who I've heard a lot of people rave about up there. I was like, "Sweet." Turns out this guy has no ambition whatsoever. He's the most monotone and boring individual I think I've ever met. (And I went to college - twice, so I have come across many of this type in my life.) He answers any questions in mono-syllabic answers, staring at his computer screen the whole time, a Snickers with one bite out of it on his left. (Aha, maybe if he'd finished his Snickers he'd be better. I was in the middle of a Snickers commercial without Betty White. ARGH!)

He says I'm good to go, and I can request my check.

I can request my check from the computer at home without a problem, but figure since I'm there and the computers are open, I'll do it then. Good thing, because as it turned out, he didn't lift my stop. (Monotone and stupid... what a combination!) So I go back to him and ask if there's a time lapse I was unaware of (I know there's not because I've requested a check moments after my stop's been lifted before - but I figured that was a nicer way to approach the situation instead of "Hey, moron, you didn't do your job"). Brandon sighs and says, "I'll request the check for you, come over here."

He stared at the computer for a few moments, and the silence was awkward so I said, "I so need a job - I'm tired of being a drain on society." He just shrugged. Hey, don't judge me stupid monotone dude, you have a job.

He then asked me, "Have you received any money for the work in the last two weeks?"

I said, "I don't get what you're asking, I didn't work."

He goes, "It's one of the questions you have to answer to get your check."

Okay, moron. I've been requesting benefit checks for a year now (with a three-month break last summer) and the question is, "Have you performed any odd-jobs for which you have or will receive pay in the last two weeks?" Not exactly the same question he asked me. You wonder why I was confused.

We finish it up, and he tells me it's taken care of. Whew, now I can leave and go back to my house and stare at fruitless job postings. Woohoo.

You would freakin' think that people in the unemployment office would have some sort of compassion, or at the very least, a personality. I know it's a government office, so why should I expect that, but still. I know there are some jackasses out there who work just long enough to get unemployment benefits and try to live off the government giving them money so they don't have to work. But I'm not one of those people. I enjoy being home with Jocelyn, yes, but I'd really like to start working and drawing a regular paycheck again. Besides, she'll go to preschool in a year, and I'd like to be able to pay her tuition!

But back to my point, most of the people suffering from lack-of-work right now are honest people who fell on bad luck. The people in the office should treat them with a little respect. Just because we are drawing unemployment doesn't make us scum who don't deserve said respect. Obviously I don't fit in working at the unemployment office, because I have the completely wrong attitude. For shame.

The true irony of job searching

Job hunting sucks. Everyone can attest to it, and just about everyone I know from my department at the former-employer-who-shall-not-be-named is just now starting to learn how much it sucks (in case they forgot). I never really forgot because I was always so unhappy at the former-employer-who-shall-not-be-named, that I was constantly on the search for something better. (The irony of that one is that I finally escaped that department and entered a far worse one. Go figure.)

Enough of that ... onto the real irony I intended to write about.

In order to apply for a job, you have to have a carefully-crafted resume, with job descriptions that border on the side of creative writing, and sometimes blur into the gray area of flat-out lying. (Mine doesn't, but that's why I don't have a resume with blinking lights that scream "hire me." I refuse to lie. DING - perhaps that's why my search has been fruitless.)

Beyond that, you have to write a cover letter that can grasp someone and keep it compelling enough for the potential employer to finish reading the letter, read the attached resume that features almost-lies, and then pick up the phone and call you to learn more. That's a tall order.

Even worse, they don't want you to appear like you have an ego. It's very hard to brag about yourself without looking full of yourself. At the same time, you can't downplay your experiences and seem like you don't have any faith in yourself of your abilities. It's a tough tightrope to walk.

I've written cover letters I was very proud of and received no response. I've also written some that were so-so, and I received compliments from a potential employer (alas, compliments only, no job offer.)

I just don't understand. I was taught a long time ago that you can't have it all. You can't have your cake and eat it too (just ask Marie Antoinette about that one), so why should they expect me to write something that advertises how great I am without appearing like an ego-maniacal ass? Oh the quandaries job hunting put you in.

For me, I can write. I know I can. Actually, I take that back, I don't know I can. But all my family and friends tell me I can, so I take their word for it. If you hear it enough times, you start to believe it. I guess I believe it now. The problem is that I'm not egotistical. I don't like bragging about how I'm so good at this, or how I know I can write that better because, well, I don't know that. I think I can, but writing a cover letter in the style of "The Little Engine Who Could" isn't going to get me a job.

What prompted this incoherent rant? (Well, let me admit, Tylenol PM contributed.) I received an e-mail asking for my "most compelling copy" to prove why I'm the right candidate for the job. Uhhh, didn't I do that when I wrote the cover letter I initially sent? What exactly is "compelling copy" anyway? What's compelling to me might not be compelling to someone else. Damn the connotations.

I think Mrs. Doubtfire had it right. "I am job."

Well, that's it. There's my compelling copy. I'll be sure to let you know if it pans out.